REBECCA TAYLOR|GUEST

I have been told time and time again that church is supposed to be like a family. Being a pastor’s daughter and now a pastor’s wife, I see the metaphor play itself out in church relationships. However, I often feel lost when I enter church. Who will I sit next to? Who gets me? Which community group or Bible study is the right one for me?

I think many of us can relate to the desire to “find our group” or “find our person” when entering the doors of the church.

For many years, this was my goal. But this past year, my eyes opened to a new way of viewing things. I now realize that if church is supposed to be like family, then we already belong.

This shouldn’t sound groundbreaking, but it was for me. I have worked so hard, for so long, to try and feel “attached” to a group or church. This year, I have accepted that I am free to connect, instead of looking for a clinging attachment.

As a trained psychologist and counselor, I have swum in the deep end of attachment research. This research attempts to help people understand what secure attachment looks like and how to “earn” it. A new term used in the field is called “earned security.” It means that you have developed the skills necessary to cultivate secure relationships. Many therapists LOVE attachment research, and I have often correlated attachment with our need for attachment with God. However, I may have missed the boat.

The beautiful adoption story God provides us with shows us that we are already family. Galatians 4: 1-7 points us to who we truly belong to. We don’t earn it and we can’t lose it. We already have a room in the house. If I can begin relating to the church out of this reality, I have hope that I can begin feeling free, and more myself there.

Here are five applications where I have found a greater sense of belonging and connectedness, which ultimately has led to more confidence that I am family!

You don’t have to be close to everybody.

Sometimes church can feel like you are walking back through the doors of high school. As much as we don’t like the developmental years of “not fitting in,” when we are insecure, we typically resort back to trying to find “our group.” You already belong; this is already your group. You just don’t know everyone yet, and they don’t fully know you. If you can allow yourself to be freed of the expectations that church is supposed to provide your social group, you may relax when you are there, and embrace your awkward new family.

You should find 1 person to get close with.

For the introverts reading, they probably loved the first application. And while it is true that you don’t have to get close to everyone, it has also been my experience that you do have to let someone into your life. This does not need to be pressured or forced. Letting someone into your life means that over months and years, someone in the “family” has been invited into the private mess of your soul.

Be willing to find closeness in unexpected places.

I always thought I would find a best friend at church that was my age and in the same stage of life as me. In truth, the person that has guided my transformation most has been an older woman with a different personality and different struggles than my own. I have also found connection through serving with the same person in children’s ministry, or with a younger teenager during Vacation Bible School. I believe I have felt more connected to the church at large because of the other unexpected connections.

Vulnerability is important.

If you want your life to be transformed, vulnerability will be required. Transformation takes time. I realize this application is very difficult for some, if not many. Vulnerability is individualized, meaning it looks incredibly different for each person. If stepping into church felt like the most vulnerable thing you have ever done, then that’s amazing progress. For others, vulnerability may look like finally saying you need help in your marriage or allowing someone to sit beside you through the grief of your loneliness.

Consistency = more connectivity.

I don’t want to admit that this last one is true. But it is. If you never show up for family dinner, or family reunions, or holidays, you won’t feel very connected. You are ALWAYS a part of the family, but if you want to feel connected, you need to show up. For those of you reading that are cringing right now, I can relate. To encourage you, I have learned that I can be consistent without feeling the pressure to perform. Sometimes consistency looks like arriving late and sitting in the back, other times it looks like bringing a breakfast casserole, or if you are like me, a quick stop at the donut shop.

I realize that in this fallen world, family can be complicated, and we all have our own experience with what family looks like. On this side of heaven, no family will be perfect. However, because God has adopted us into his family, we have certain hope that he will keep us united as one. I pray that these tips help you settle in and grow with your church family.

Welcome to the family.

Photo by Rosie Sun on Unsplash