CHRISTINA FOX | EDITOR

Have you ever gone through a hard season, and someone said something with the intention of making you feel better, but it only made you feel worse? Perhaps you just learned shocking news that brought you to your knees and a friend said, “God will work this out for your good.” Or maybe you just experienced a significant loss, and someone said, “Everything is going to be okay.” Or you faced a very real fear, and someone said, “Don’t worry about it. You just need to trust in God.”

Suffering is uncomfortable—certainly for the person enduring it, but also for those who witness it. We can feel uncomfortable with a friend’s expressions of grief or anger or agony, so we may say things to her to cheer her up or calm her down that does the opposite of what we intend—our words hurt rather than heal. We may even say things that are ultimately true but said at the wrong time. A friend once said to me that when he is suffering, he wants friends who did as Job’s friends did—but only in those first seven days when they sat in the dust and ashes with him and said not a word (Job 2:13).

Because Words Matter

Proverbs 25:11 says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.” What we say really does matter. This is true not only in times of suffering but also when a friend voices a problem she is experiencing at work or a dilemma she faces in her parenting or doubts she faces in her faith. It’s important that we pause and take time to consider what is truly helpful and what meets her heart’s need in that moment. What words will encourage her? What words will remind her what is true? What words will equip her to live for God and His glory?

As we speak to our friend, we need to be mindful of how we speak. “A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Prov. 15:4). “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18). Gentleness goes far in bringing life-giving encouragement to another. In contrast, sarcasm can bring death by a thousand tiny cuts, as does coarse joking. Sometimes, we say things to lighten up the mood because the weight of another’s sorrow seems so heavy. In those times, joking can feel insensitive to our hurting friend. Further, being mindful of how we speak includes not interrupting another’s speech. As James reminds us, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (1:19).

It also matters when we say things. In the example given above, it is true that God works all the hard things in our life for our good, but when someone has just lost someone dear to them, those words are not fitly spoken. Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a time for everything, and sometimes that means there is a time “to mourn, and a time to dance…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak” (vv. 4,7). When someone is mourning, it is fitting to mourn with them; we weep as they weep. They don’t need a theological treatise on what the Bible says about why bad things happen. There will come a time later to explore such things. In truth, sometimes it’s fitting to say nothing at all.

Choose Words Wisely

To grow in our friendships with others, we need to consider the words we say, how we say them, and when we say them. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” The Greek word used for “corrupting” is saprós and refers to food that is overripe and rotten.  It is unfit for eating. Like when you pick through the apples at the grocery store and find ones covered in bruises and mold. They are poor quality and should not be consumed. Paul is instructing us to not use words that are worthless, unfit, rotten, corrupt. This means more than simply not using curse words or crude talk, for he goes on to instruct us in what our words should consist of and the impact they ought to have on others. He gives us a standard to measure our words by: Is our speech good and right? Does it build the other person up? Does it fit the occasion? Does it give grace?

In my own friendships, there are times when I simply don’t know what is best to say in the moment. I desperately want to encourage my friend who just shared some hard news with me, but I fear saying the wrong thing. There have been times that I have said things I later wished I hadn’t. I’ve since learned to pray and ask the Spirit to help me not add to my friend’s pain in the words I say and for wisdom to say what is needed and helpful. I also pray that He uses me to encourage her—in spite of my blundering words—and that what I say would not be like those bruised apples at the grocery store but would instead be sweet and refreshing.

As believers, we know words are powerful. After all, God’s Word brought everything into being. His Words feed and nourish us. They give us life. May we image Him by speaking words to one another that encourage, that are fitting, “like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash