ELIZABETH TURNAGE | CONTRIBUTOR

Grief is as old as the Fall. Ever since Adam and Eve chose to disobey God, eating of the one tree denied them, loss has plagued the cosmos. This loss leads to grief. As the holidays arrive this year, grief will be fresh for many, raw for some. In the Middle East, Ukraine, Turkey, the Southeastern United States, and many other places throughout the world, disaster has struck, and the holiday season threatens to swallow its victims in a sea of grief. This year, your neighbor or friend, your co-worker or cousin, or perhaps you yourself, weep deeply and often as you mourn the loss of a loved one, a job, a relationship, a home, or a pet. How can we help? How can we grieve with hope if we are the ones who have suffered loss? By understanding grief and by looking to Christ, our grief may lead to the hope of restoration this holiday season.

We can grieve all sorts of losses.

As Christians we sometimes feel guilty for grieving something like a lost home or pet, a lost job, or even a lost relationship. Somehow, we got the idea that grief should be reserved for death. Somehow, we got the idea that when we grieve a loved one who died, we should be “happy” because the person is in heaven. That’s simply not the way grief works, not in life, and not in Scripture.

As we look at Scripture, we see reasons to grieve all sorts of losses. Surely, we may grieve death, because our Lord himself grieved the death of his dear friend Lazarus, despite knowing he would soon raise him from the dead (see John 11:1-44). Because God created the heavens and the earth and everything in it, and because he gave humans the responsibility of working the land and making it fruitful, it is natural to grieve the loss of land and work. Job, who lost everything — family, livestock, and land — to enemies and natural disasters (see Job 1:13-19), grieved deeply but was not rebuked for his grief. The Israelites wept for their homeland when they were in exile: “By the waters of Babylon, there we sat down and wept, when we remembered Zion” (Psalm 137:1). Because the Lord cares for all creatures great and small, it is also appropriate to grieve the loss of a pet who brought us a taste of the Lord’s delight. All of creation has the potential to show us the goodness of the Lord; for this reason, we may grieve the loss of any good gift from God.

Grief really is worse during the holiday season.

It is not your imagination — according to grief experts, grief really does intensify during the holidays.[1] There are many reasons for its intensification. First, because it is a season for celebration (Thanksgiving: gratitude; Christmas: the coming of Christ), it may feel like heartache is out of place. The sense that our sad emotions are inappropriate leads to guilt and adds to the burden of grief. Second, during the holidays, we often gather with loved ones; naturally, we miss those who are no longer here to celebrate with us. Third, traditions and memories of past holidays make us long for those who are missing. Finally, because place is a key aspect of celebration, grief deepens when we have lost that place, whether through destruction or through a move. Knowing that it is normal for grief to worsen during the holiday season brings a measure of peace and helps us to prepare.

Learn practical strategies for dealing with holiday grief.

Grief experts recommend a number of practical strategies for dealing with grief during the holiday season.[2] Choose to engage with others at a level you can tolerate. While it may be tempting to avoid all social gatherings or to cancel any tradition that reminds you of your loss, engaging in some of these activities may be healing. Care well for your mind, body, and soul, which are all affected by grief. Be intentional about getting rest and avoid drinking or eating too much. Volunteer or help others: Christians will not be surprised to learn that helping others brings joy and hope to the grieving. We remember Paul’s exhortation to share the comfort with which we have been comforted (2 Cor. 1:3-7).

Remember gospel hope for dealing with grief during the holidays.

Mourn losses.

The Bible invites us to mourn, that is, to express our grief outwardly, in lament. As we name our losses and confusion to God, and as we remember how he has rescued in the past, our mourning may give way to hope. We see this structure in laments throughout Scripture (see Psalms 13, 22, 77, and 88; Lamentations; Job, etc.). In Psalm 77, Asaph cries out to the Lord, actually blaming him for his grief: “You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak” (Psalm 77:4). And yet, even as he names his complaint before the Lord, he seeks the Lord. As he seeks the Lord, a shift occurs. He remembers “the deeds of the Lord,” the Lord’s “wonders of old” (Psalm 77:11). When he remembers and meditates on the Lord’s redemption, he confesses the Lord’s goodness and holiness: “Your way, O God, is holy” (Psalm 77:13). In this and other passages of lament, the process of mourning leads to worship and gratitude, to acknowledging that even in our confusion and loss, the Lord is good.

Remember that Jesus knows your grief and cares deeply for you.

Remember that our Savior, a man “acquainted with grief,” is near to the broken-hearted (see Isaiah 53:3; Psalm 34:18). Even as we hear the Christmas songs celebrating the coming of Jesus, Emmanuel, “God-with-us,” we must recall that the prophecies about Jesus also foretold that he would be a “man of sorrows” (Isaiah 53:3). Our Savior, the one who “has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows” (Isaiah 53:4), the one who was “crushed for our iniquities,” can certainly “save the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). There is no grief we have known that Jesus has not himself experienced: loss of home, friends, family, relationships, and even life.

Remember the future.

Yes, today, we inhabit a fallen world, a world in which sin and sorrow may seem to win the day. But we must always remember our sure and certain future as followers of Christ who are citizens of another world. The day is coming when the Man of Sorrows will wipe away every tear, when death and mourning will be no more (see Rev. 21:4). I have often wondered — in that day, will the tears our Lord collected be redeemed as they flow into the river of the water of life (see Psalm 56:8; Rev. 22:1)? Possibly. For nothing is impossible for the Lord. Even in these days of sorrow, as we look to the moment when we will behold our Savior’s marred face, the moment when we will be wrapped in his welcoming embrace, we can, and we must grieve with hope.

[1] Lex Talamo, “Grief Counselors Offer Advice for Hope and Healing This Holiday Season,” Yakima Herald-Republic (WA), December 21, 2019).

[2] For more practical strategies, see “Happy Holidays?,” Harvard Women’s Health Watch 28, no. 3 (November 2020): 1–7.

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