KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR

My mother has lived in her home for nearly fifty years. After my husband and I moved in a few years ago, we quickly noticed things that were neglected, broken, or in disrepair.

On the surface, the home looked fine. It wasn’t at all dilapidated. A visitor would have thought it was a perfectly fine house. But if you looked a little deeper there were problems. Problems my mom didn’t even notice and things she’d just learned to live with or adapt to.

Don’t we all do that?

We let little things slide until they become normal. Eventually, we stop noticing them altogether. We tolerate dysfunction because fixing it is expensive, difficult, or inconvenient. We become content with “good enough.”

Sometimes our marriages become like an old house we’ve lived in for a long time.

There are conversations we avoid, habits we accept, and areas of neglect we simply learn to live with. Yet God’s Word calls us to more.

Just as He is transforming us “from one degree of glory to another” (2 Cor. 3:18), He intends our marriages to keep growing as well.

Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough

Maybe you’re in a happy marriage. Praise the Lord! But even healthy marriages can become stagnant. We stop pursuing growth because nothing seems obviously wrong.

Yet our marriages are meant to reflect the relationship between Christ and His church. Keep asking God to deepen your love for your spouse and strengthen your connection. Don’t settle for “good enough” when we have a God who “is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Eph. 3:20).

Or perhaps your marriage is in a difficult season. Don’t give up. Don’t let shame, pride, or fear keep you from seeking help. Reach out to a wise friend or meet with a godly counselor.

Don’t pretend things are fine when they’re not. Don’t resign yourself to believing things can never change. God is in the healing and changing business.

How do we resist the temptation to settle? Usually not through grand gestures, but through ordinary acts of intentionality.

Love Needs Tending

When Christians talk about love, we often emphasize that love is an action and a choice. Feelings change and our commitment to love must remain even when we don’t feel it.

Sometimes we feel love, and sometimes we choose love. Sometimes the feelings make the choosing easy. But when those feelings fade, we must continue choosing to love.

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul describes love through patient actions and deliberate kindness. Just as Christ chose to love us while we were still sinners, we’re called to choose love in marriage through seasons of disappointment and difficulty.

But that doesn’t mean we give up on feeling it. Don’t settle for a love that is merely dutiful.

If you’re discouraged because you’re not “feeling the love,” ask God to rekindle affection. Pray for your spouse. Serve your spouse. Say, “I love you” often. God often uses those ordinary acts of faithfulness to fan dying embers into flame.

Children Will Grow Up

Parenting can consume so much of our attention that marriage is neglected.

Find ways to prioritize marriage during the parenting season. There’s no better gift you can give your children than parents who love each other well.

For several years, when our kids were young, we did a date-night swap with two other couples. Each Friday night all the kids came to our house. One couple stayed in with the kids while the other two couples went on dates. It was one of the best things we did for our kids and for our marriage.

I’ll never forget one night while we were on childcare duty. My friend was saying good-bye to her two girls before heading out on a date with her husband and she said, “Mommy and Daddy are going on a date because we love you.”

Prioritizing your marriage is an important way to love your children.

If you’re in that parenting season, don’t settle for marriage taking a backseat.

A Gift Worth Protecting

Another area where couples often settle is sexual intimacy.

Scripture presents sex as God’s good gift within marriage, designed to be enjoyed by both husband and wife throughout their lives together. While intimacy naturally changes through different seasons of life, it should remain a valued part of the marriage relationship.

The Bible instructs husbands and wives not to deprive one another (1 Cor. 7:5). Sexual intimacy both expresses and cultivates the closeness God intends for marriage.

If this area of your marriage has become difficult, seek help. Talk with a physician, counselor, pastor, or trusted friend. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t settle.

Be vigilant against sexual temptation. Pornography is everywhere. Technology has made adultery easier than ever. Pressure to engage in soul destroying sexual immorality is pervasive. We must flee this temptation and keep our marriage beds pure.

Instead, give yourself to your spouse selflessly and joyfully. Marital intimacy is a precious gift, don’t let the world’s perversions steal that joy from your marriage.

Take Another Look Around

As we’ve worked on my mother’s house, we’ve discovered that most of the problems weren’t catastrophic. They were simply things that had been ignored for years.

Marriage can be much the same.

More often than not, settling happens gradually. We stop pursuing one another. We stop cultivating affection. We stop prioritizing intimacy. We learn to live with things that need attention.

But God’s design for marriage is not mere survival. He calls us to a relationship that increasingly reflects the faithful love of Christ for His church.

So take a fresh look around. Expect God to do more that you can ask or think. And ask God to bring growth to your marriage.

Don’t settle.

Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash