SHEA PATRICK | CONTRIBUTOR

Our first child was born eighteen and a half years ago. My husband and I could not believe that after only a couple of days the hospital was going to send him home with us. We felt unprepared and out of our depth to deal with the needs of a newborn. Truthfully, he has served as the “guinea pig” as the oldest of five siblings. As he has grown through the years, we have grown along with him as parents, facing new challenges, situations, and transitions. From the first days of elementary school to the first day of high school, we have attempted through God’s grace to guide him in the ways of the Lord.

In less than a month, he will move 6.5 hours away to college. This move will end the family life that we have known for so many years. The change is bittersweet. After all, we want our children to grow and mature and develop into young men and women. It is a natural part of life. However, I must admit to mixed feelings and questions during this time of transition. Maybe you find yourself in a similar situation and are asking similar questions to these:

Have I done enough?

I often feel the shame and guilt of this question when I compare my family to other families or compare where my child is spiritually to others around us. Did we eat meals around the table often enough? Did I talk about Jesus enough? This question clearly comes from thinking that my child’s spiritual growth and development are all up to me. As I continue to wrestle with the fear that I have not done enough, I continue to remind myself of the truth that God loves my son more than his dad and me. He knew my son even while he was in the womb (Jer. 1:5) He placed him in a family who follows the Lord and in a church family who has taken seriously the call to help his parents raise him in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The Lord is ultimately responsible for his spiritual life, not me.

Will God truly care for him when he is on his own?

While we have tried not to be helicopter parents who try to control his every move, we have been able to set limits and enforce those just by virtue of him residing in our home. While these rules and guidelines are to help him to develop in wisdom, we have never been able to ultimately control what happens. The period where our son lived under our roof may have given us the illusion of control, but that is not reality. We are again having to trust God to protect him and to draw and keep him close. How crazy to think that I can care for him better than his heavenly Father! Who is more willing than God “who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all” (Rom. 8:32)?

How will our family adjust to this new normal?

As I have gotten older, I am less and less a fan of change. This adjustment to my son going to college already has me grieving. It will be weird not to see him every day and to know all the details of what is going on with his life. The season with every child at home is ending, and it’s okay to grieve that ending. But I don’t want to focus on grieving what is over and miss out on the season in front of me. God is not done with the work he is doing through our family. As years pass by, Scripture tells us there will be good times, struggles, and disappointments, and all are used by my loving Father to change me to be more like Jesus (Rom 8:28).

In the meantime, I pray. I often ask people, “what can I do to help other than pray?” as if prayer is less of a way to show care and concern. Actually, prayer IS the work of bringing my son before the Father time and again, praying for his adjustment to this new routine, wisdom in decision making, friends who love Jesus, and a church family that connects with and loves him well. I know that these have been my constant prayers and will continue as the year goes on.

Ultimately, this change is good for my heart. This wrestling is forcing me to turn again to the Father with my questions and concerns. Do I really trust Him to be present for my son as He has been for me? Do I truly believe that He loves me and loves my son as well? I know that while my moods and feelings may ebb and flow, God does not. Sunday, we used a confession of sin that contained the following in talking about the nature of the things that we sometimes turn to instead of the Lord:

“help us to see that the things we strive for are shadows, but you are the substance; they are quicksand, but you are a mighty rock; they are shifting, but you are steady.”

My illusions of control, my doubts, and my fears – all of these things turn my eyes from the Lord and put them on myself and my circumstances. How much better to turn to the one who is substance, who is a mighty rock, and is steady to care for my family and my college-bound son during this time of transition.

Photo by Meredith Spencer on Unsplash