STEPHANIE FORMENTI | CONTRIBUTOR

I was a young mom to three children under the age of 5. We had recently navigated an international move far from my family and friends and absolutely everything was new. I couldn’t speak the language, I couldn’t drive, we didn’t have a backyard, and the food was really different. I was struggling.

In my struggle, my husband and I committed to praying and asking the Lord to bring an English-speaking friend into my life. In His kindness, about two months later, a woman from the UK moved to our Brazilian city with her family and we met at church. Mary (name changed) was a little farther along in life and ministry than I was, loved Jesus, and had a warm and welcoming presence. So, when she suggested we meet up for coffee, I jumped at the chance.

Over time, we started meeting regularly and those get-togethers became a lifeline for me. Speaking English was a welcome retreat after navigating daily life in Portuguese. Having an hour to sit in a cafe was a sweet respite from the busyness of caring for three young children. And this newfound mentor was fun and insightful. But more than anything else, these regular meetings became an important part of the growth and sanctification the Lord was already doing in this season of challenge because of my friend’s willingness to do three important things:

Listen

Looking back, one of the biggest gifts Mary offered was her unhurried way of listening. She was undistracted and fully present with me for that hour in the cafe. She made eye contact; she nodded as I spoke and embodied a heart interested in what I had to say. In an age of constant distraction and a thousand notifications pinging for our response, the ability to be an active and engaged listener is a unique gift. Attention is one of our most precious commodities and where we choose to focus it speaks volumes about what we value. Her dedication to listen fully week after week was a tangible display of how Jesus sees me and cares for me. I experienced the love of God and His attention toward me through the eyes and smile of my friend in a cafe drinking cappuccinos. And in a season of loneliness and weariness, that reminder that God sees, hears, and is interested in me was exactly what I needed.

Ask Good Questions

But Mary didn’t just listen well. She also had the gift of dropping well-timed, intentional, and sometimes perspective-shifting questions into our conversations. As I’ve gotten older and had the privilege of sitting with women, I better understand both the skill and the importance of asking good questions. Jesus modeled this for us in the gospels. Often, when He wanted to make a point, He asked a question instead of making a statement: “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” (Matthew 8:26), “What do you want me to do for you?” (Mark 10:36), “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts?” (Luke 24:38), “What are you seeking?” (John 1:38). These types of questions cause us to pause, take stock of what is going on in our hearts, and get honest for a minute. Mary was amazing at these types of questions. She was gentle and kind in her asking and I knew she had my best interest in mind. But she was also courageous. She was not afraid to ask me questions that were a bit uncomfortable or pointed. But those questions helped to reframe my perspective or challenge my self-centeredness and eventually enabled me to see God’s presence in my life in a new way. Her courageous question-asking was a needed reframe when my sight was limited to my own difficult circumstances.

Strengthen My Hand in God

In 1 Samuel 23, we read about a time when David was hiding and running from Saul. He feared for his life, was living in caves, and was just generally discouraged at his circumstances and situation. In that season, his good friend Jonathan came to him and we are told, “strengthened his hand in God” by reminding David of God’s promises and character. He redirected David’s confidence to who God is rather than what his circumstances looked like. In the same way, during our regular coffee meetings, Mary would listen well, ask good questions, and then consistently “put my hand in God’s hand.” She would take me to Jesus repeatedly by faithfully reminding me of who Jesus is, who I am in Christ, and how He is always faithful to His promises, even when we can’t see clearly what that will look like. She was a wise friend; she knew that just listening to me and “holding my hand” through my struggle wasn’t enough. She was never the end of the conversation, but instead a conduit to the Father. She knew she couldn’t fix things and that she needed to place my hand in the hand of God- my good Shepherd, my King, and my Friend. By shifting my eyes to the character and promises of God, she helped to strengthen my heart.

I’m so grateful for Mary. Her ability to listen, ask good questions, and strengthen my hand in God was a gift, an example of true gospel friendship, and a model for my own mentoring relationships.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash