LEAH JONES|GUEST

I watched as a green inchworm crawled up the arm of the preacher’s suit during the middle of his sermon. I could hear the whispers in the pews around me as people speculated as to how the situation might end. But before the worm could make its way inside his suit and wreak even more havoc, I calmly walked up to the pulpit, brushed the small disruptive insect off the pastor’s sleeve, and returned to my seat.

Anyone could have done what I did. We all knew he wouldn’t mind a momentary disruption to avoid disaster. But not everyone felt it was their job to help. I knew the job was mine alone. I was the pastor’s wife.

A Unique Role

A pastor’s wife faces tricky situations, most of which don’t involve inchworms. She has unspoken expectations placed upon her and few people with whom she can have transparent conversation. The women who serve in this vital role don’t have the typical avenues of care or companionship other women may take for granted, not because they don’t have friends or parishioners who love them; rather, because the calling to the role of “pastor’s wife” is layered with relational complexity.

The place God designed her to be known and loved (the church) is also her husband’s workplace. Her options for complete transparency are extremely limited. If she is experiencing emotional pain, her natural outlet, like most of us, would be to share with trusted friends. But if those close friends worship at the church where her husband is the pastor, vulnerability and transparency can be inhibited. When her need for transparency bears the potential to impact her husband’s career, she might feel that she must suffer in silence.

During the years my husband was in full time ministry, I was blessed with wonderful congregations. They poured out compassion and care onto me and my family. They were literally ideal! Yet, they saw him polished and prepared each Sunday morning dressed in his best clothes. He was ever-present, readily available to provide crisis intervention, wise counsel, and to encourage everyone around him. In rare moments of marital imperfection, how could they be expected to be an unbiased listener to his wife? And if they were able to empathize with my woes, should they then be expected to sit under his spiritual leadership unaffected by my shared words and felt emotion?

These complexities are not the fault of individuals, churches, or sessions. It is simply one way the broken world intersects the sweetest spaces. The word “communicate” literally means “to commune”. For the woman in the role of pastor’s wife, the organic need to commune with others is always a dance of potential pitfalls.

She is often placed in a God-given role of unvoiced leadership and responsibility. She is often a single mom on Sunday, sometimes asked to fill roles unfitting with her giftedness. She absorbs her husband’s stress, and smiles at those who have been insensitive and occasionally sinful. Sometimes lonely in a sea of people who know a whole lot about her, she is noticed and observed in moments she longs simply to be known.

In most churches, the role of pastor’s wife is highly visible. She has a type of “status”. Ironically, however, that status can come without the resources to accommodate her need for mental and emotional care.

Supporting Your Pastor’s Wife

Your pastor’s wife is human. Like you, she has negative emotions. Unlike you, she can be inhibited in sharing her struggle. If negative emotions are simply carried alone rather than understood in community, they begin to fester, resulting in anger and bitterness. This would leave anyone feeling empty, isolated, and alone. Your pastor’s wife is no different.

How can we come alongside the wife of the pastor in a way that is supportive?

1. Accept the tension her role produces. She has the same need we all have to process her thoughts and feelings in order to maintain a healthy relational perspective. Yet she is constantly mindful of potential discomfort her reality may cause in her church.
2. Allow her to need avenues of support outside of the church. If she seems removed or unable to share openly, trust there is a reason behind her protection. She simply cannot be expected to be completely vulnerable and transparent with her friends in her church.
3. Accommodate her need to seek emotional and mental health care. It is not easy for anyone to acknowledge they need help. It is especially difficult to ask for financial resources during seasons of shame or woundedness.

Emotionally, your pastor’s wife is no different than you or I. She needs what we all need – room to explore where she feels depleted and space to process her negative emotions. When she feels supported in this way, she will naturally adjust her perspective and fulfill her role in serving her church, even when she is called upon for help with pest control.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash