BETHANY BELUE | CONTRIBUTOR

When my husband and I started dating, he was not yet a pastor but was on staff with a college ministry praying through his vocational calling. A few months into dating, I began to question if I should marry a guy who was in the middle of a “vocational crisis.” Thankfully, some very close friends quickly talked me down off the ledge of my emotions and reminded me it was his character I was following, not his job. The more we got to know one another, I knew I could follow him anywhere. I didn’t know then that would mean, eight months into marriage, packing up our first apartment, leaving family, and moving to a city where I knew no one so he could go to seminary.

Eight years later, I sit on the second row of our current church where he serves as the Assistant Pastor. We are still early in our ministry life, but over the years the Lord has begun to unfold this world of being a pastor’s wife and teach me what it means to follow my husband as he serves in the local church.

The Role of a Pastor’s Wife

I love watching my husband be a pastor. The Lord has called him to it, and he loves and leads our church with care and wisdom. That is his job and his passion, but it is not mine. I am called to live the life the Lord has called me to. I am a wife to my husband, a mother to my children, and have my own ministry role within the PCA. I am a member of my church and serve as I am able, but there are times I need to say “no” to a ministry event to fulfill one of my other roles. I have often heard the joke that a pastor’s wife is unpaid staff of the church, but in reality, that is not the calling of many pastor’s wives, and that is okay. One of my favorite passages is 1 Corinthians 7:17, “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.” I am thankful to be a helper to my husband as he serves on staff with the local church as I also live out the calling the Lord has placed on my life.

The Boundaries of a Pastor’s Wife

My husband and I often say that full-time ministry is a marathon, not a sprint. In ministry, there is always more to say “yes” to, more people to connect with, and more ministry events to plan. Although the work of the church is important, it has also been important for our family to have boundaries. My husband needs time away to re-fuel, we need time together as a couple to connect, and our family needs time together to be a family. As important as Jesus’ ministry was on earth, He also rested. He spent time with those closest to him, and most importantly, He drew away to meet with His Father. Luke 5 is a powerful passage as it highlights various ways Jesus ministered to others, yet in the middle of the passage it says, “But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray” (Luke 5:16). There are times we must say “no” to good ministry opportunities to rightly prioritize our own spiritual health, as a couple and as a family so we can be in ministry for the long haul.

Encouragement for a Pastor’s Wife 

I love coming alongside my husband in ministry, serving the church, and pouring into the lives of others. I pray that I would be poured out as a drink offering into the lives of others as we serve the local church (Phil. 2:17), but I have also realized how important it is for me to have my own friendships, to have people in my life who pursue me and with whom I can be honest. This can be challenging when your husband is a leader in the church. About a year ago, an older lady in our church asked me who was ministering to me as I poured out alongside my husband. I thought for a moment and then quietly said, “I don’t think I know.” That question has stayed with me as I have thought about the importance of these types of relationships in my life. I’ve sought accountability with another pastor’s wife in a different city, periodically connect with a pastor’s wife at another local church, and am learning how to be honest with my desire for friendship with those around me. A few weeks ago, a couple came over to meet with us about a Sunday School class we are all leading together. We often host and feed people in our home, but on this occasion the wife texted and said, “By the way, when we come over, we are bringing dinner.” They walked in our home, turned the oven on, prepared everything, and then helped clean up. When they left, I told my husband, “I can’t remember the last time I felt served like that.” It may have seemed like nothing to them, but I felt seen and cared for in a way I needed in this marathon of ministry.

Prayer for a Pastor’s wife

There are many times I have come to the Lord in prayer desperate for Him. The role of a pastor and pastor’s wife is not easy. There are times over these last few years where I have questioned if it’s worth it. I have watched my husband walk through hard situations, we have had seasons of exhaustion and burnout, we have felt alone, and yet as we go back to the Lord and His Word, we are reminded the Lord is with us, the Lord has called us to this, and the Lord is faithful. One of the most powerful things we can do as we follow this calling is to spend time in the Word and in prayer. It’s also one of the most encouraging things when a congregant says to us, “I am praying for you.” It reminds us we aren’t alone. It reminds us of the power of prayer, and it reminds us that prayer is essential for this calling.

I have learned a lot about following my husband since my fear early in dating. I’ve watched his calling unfold and have had a front row seat to God faithfully carrying us in it. We prayerfully still have many years of ministry left and I pray I will continue to grow and learn what it means to live as a pastor’s wife. Not everyone is called to this specific role, but as believers we are all called to the local church and to support and encourage our church leaders. I pray I will do this for others we serve alongside and that others will do this for us. The local church is a beautiful place when we come together in this way.

Photo by Mitchell Leach on Unsplash