SUE HARRIS | CONTRIBUTOR

In 1978, Melissa Manchester famously, but tragically, sang, “Don’t cry out loud. Just keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings.”  It’s a complicated song about learning to cope with pain. Melissa Manchester’s antidote to a broken heart is this: don’t show pain, be strong, and learn how to hide your feelings. Other than the pleasure of hearing Manchester’s amazing pipes belting out the chorus, I don’t recommend the song or the accompanying video with the creepy circus clown. I certainly don’t recommend the song’s posture toward love, pain, and suffering. Most importantly, I don’t think Jesus would, either.

But in reading Titus 2, I noticed that Paul, when talking about teaching sound doctrine, repeats the idea of self-control four times in that chapter. Four times! People of all ages and stages are to be taught self-control. This is sound doctrine, according to Paul.

I’ve considered the lost art of self-control in our express- yourself- and- find- your- voice world. I wonder if hiding or denying our feelings is a way of exhibiting self-control. Is Paul telling us to keep silent about our pain? Is that self-control? Spoiler alert for anyone who hasn’t seen any of the Inside Out movies, denying or hiding our feelings isn’t healthy. But more than healthy…is it biblical? I know there’s a difference between hiding or denying our feelings and exerting self-control, but how does this tension play out in everyday life?

A Model of Self-Control

When I think about perfect self-control, I think about Jesus when he was summoned by Herod. Remember, there was some triangulation going on between Jesus, Herod, and Pilate. Neither Herod nor Pilate wanted to take legal responsibility for Jesus. They didn’t seem to know what to do with this man, so they were sort of trading him back and forth, perhaps to see what the other would do. Eventually, Herod agreed to meet Jesus and was very glad because he wanted to see him perform miracles (Luke 23:8). But if you recall, Herod was also the ruler who ordered the killing of John the Baptist, Jesus’ cousin, not long before this meeting. John’s death wasn’t simply a murder; it was a brutal, grotesque decapitation that was celebrated at a party Herod threw. This is where it gets explosive and unfathomable to me. This is the moment that the Lord Jesus exhibits a level of self-control that I can’t possibly understand. Can you imagine coming face-to-face with such a wicked man as Herod?

Personal note: I do not like it when someone messes with my loved ones. I can give looks that kill, commentary that wounds, and intimidation that is palpable. In these situations, I exhibit low-level self-control. Maybe I don’t say or do exactly all I want, but like a horse and bridle, I only hold back some for the sake of my testimony, my job, and societal decorum. I do not hide my feelings.

But in Luke 23, the Lord Jesus comes face-to-face with Herod. What was Jesus’ internal dialogue with the Father and the Spirit in that moment when he locked eyes with the murderer of his beloved cousin?  John the Baptist wasn’t just his cousin; he was also the herald who proclaimed Jesus’ coming. He was the one who leaped for joy in his mother’s womb in the presence of Jesus (Luke 1:44). To make it worse, during his meeting with Jesus, Herod and his minions hurled insults at him, mocked him, and questioned him at length. Do you remember how Jesus responded?

He said nothing (Luke 23:9).

Not. One. Word.

Was he simply hiding his feelings and tucking them away until later?

I cry almost every time I consider the death of John the Baptist, and I know for a fact that, if given the power that Jesus had at his disposal, I would have ended Herod’s life right there to the cheers of many who loved John and would have appreciated the elimination of such evil. But that’s not what our Savior and Lord did. He exhibited perfect self-control, and that power was well-beyond simply tucking his feelings away.

Jesus is recorded in Scripture as having an emotional life. He wasn’t stoic, but instead showed his feelings. He was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled (John 11:33), he experienced anguish, distress, and sorrow (Mark 14:33-34), and he cried with loud cries (Heb. 5:7). Jesus didn’t hide his feelings, but I believe he exhibited perfect self-control.

What Self-Control Is and Is Not

The Greek word used for self-control in Titus 2 is not about denying or ignoring our feelings, but more about holding power over our passions and instincts. We don’t know what was happening in the heart and mind of Christ when he encountered Herod, but what we do know is that Christ Jesus didn’t selfishly wield his power to annihilate Herod. Jesus knew that power is made perfect in weakness. And Jesus knew that there is a larger story at play here.

I think sometimes we try to deny our feelings and call that denial self-control, but it’s a different thing to feel our emotions, and even become curious about them, without being controlled or distracted by them. I want to be careful here because I have no idea what was happening internally for the Lord Jesus when he encountered Herod in Luke 23. No one does. And I don’t want to project my sinful feelings onto him. But what I do know is that Jesus was tempted in every way that we are and was without sin (Heb. 4:15). I know that not responding to Herod was the perfect response, under the likely onslaught of incredible and understandable temptation to do otherwise.

The Bible tells us that Jesus felt compassion and even wept (hear this: he cried out loud!). He wasn’t devoid of emotions; rather, he exhibited power over them. He grieved the death of his cousin (Matt. 14:13), but his face was already set on Jerusalem. He had our salvation in view, which is a bigger story than the satisfaction of any personal pain. Even in the presence of the irreligious man who committed countless heinous crimes, Jesus stays the course, holds his peace, and continues his march powerfully toward the cross for the joy that was set before him (Heb. 12:2).

“For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness, and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age” (Titus 2:11-12).

Photo by Alexandra Fuller on Unsplash