MORGAN FIKKERT|GUEST

There it was: the email. And, with it, the anxiety. A lady from my Bible study group wrote to me that my response to her sharing her personal story had bothered her. The added twist was that her daughter was one of my closest friends. 

In my frustration and anxiety, I experienced two quick instincts: either shoot back a defensive email, or call my friend to vent to her about her mother. 

Other times, the tables have turned on me. Once, a lady told her friend about a decision I’d made that she disagreed with (although, she’d seemed happy with the decision when we had talked). Her friend then came to me, upset on her behalf. It left me with the question: why didn’t she talk to me about it herself?

It should be simple, but we all know how hard it is to talk directly to the person we should be talking to. When a situation goes sideways, the anxiety can feel like water bubbling up in a boiling hot pot—it needs somewhere to go, and fast. 

What is this impulse called?

The temptation to offload our anxiety to a third person is what psychologists call triangulation. We all do it, and it’s not always a bad thing. But it can be a form of manipulation. 

Psychologists note that when you are tempted to “triangle” someone (i.e. solve your relational anxiety by bringing in a third person), it is usually because you are not well-differentiated: you are struggling to voice your opinion directly while remaining emotionally stable and emotionally connected.

Why do we do this?

Why are we so tempted to get in a “triangle” to offload a difficult situation onto someone else? 

At best, we could be looking for godly advice. “Here’s the situation,” we might tell a wise friend. “What should I do? How should I respond?”

We might just need to “verbally process.” Sometimes thinking through a scenario out loud with someone else can lead us to a solution.

Maybe a relationship has gotten so stuck that you need a third person to be a mediator – someone to help you listen well to one another so you can solve a problem. 

At worst, we could be looking for a friend to validate our frustration and build up our tower of self-righteousness, or we might want to harm someone’s reputation. 

What does God’s Word say?

Proverbs 15:22 says, “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” Seeking advice is a good plan. But be careful about who you choose—and question your motives for choosing that person. Are you talking to someone because you hope they fix the issue for you? Or because you know they’ll validate you? 

1 Kings 12 offers a good test case in how to seek advice. Rehoboam asks the elders for advice first (good on him!), but when he doesn’t like their advice, he turns to the young men who build up his ego and encourage him to respond harshly to the people of Israel. The result is no less than a tragic split in the kingdom of Israel. There is good precedent for seeking wise counsel; but be careful who you choose and why.

Verbal processing might fall into a gray area somewhere between seeking advice and venting frustration to receive validation. 

Mediation might be a wise choice. For example, Matthew 18:16 encourages us to bring along a brother or sister to speak to someone living in sin. But you still need to take part in the process; no one else can fix a relationship for you. 

The Heart of It 

These courses of action, though helpful, can still bypass two key components: truthful speech and prayer. 

Matthew 18:15 says it clearly: “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Bringing a difficult situation to a friend does not substitute for the direct, truthful speech that Jesus calls us to. If you find yourself spilling a situation out onto a confidant, it likely means you should be going directly to your brother (or sister). 

We also cannot forget prayer—the oft-overlooked privilege to bring all of our anxiety directly to the One who can actually do something about it. Seeking advice, venting, and verbal processing might be helpful; but if you are doing that before praying, think twice. 1 Peter 5:7 spurs us on to take our anxieties to the Lord: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 

After all, doesn’t so much of our triangulation stem from this root desire to be cared for? When we feel accused, when we feel hurt, when we feel disappointed, when we feel anxious—we must remember that our Lord cares for us. He cares for us, so we cast our anxiety on him. After that, we will be equipped to leave behind the triangles and follow Jesus’ command in Matthew 18:15 to go to our brother or sister directly.

Photo by Small Group Network on Unsplash