KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR

Today I had an early breakfast meeting and left while my husband, Robert, was still in bed. When I got home, our bed was made. Later he noticed that the floor was dirty, so he mopped it. This afternoon, when I burned something in the oven, he came to my rescue, not only soaking the very messy pan but scrubbing it clean an hour later.

My husband is not the man I married nearly 35 years ago.

A Lesson in Early Marriage

We were newlyweds—married just a few months—when I came home from my stressful job to find our apartment in chaos. Robert worked as our church’s youth director, which meant he worked many nights and weekends and was often home during the day. That afternoon, I arrived to find dishes piled up, an unmade bed, and beard trimmings filling the bathroom sink. It wasn’t the first time, and something in me snapped.

I lost it. I went on a rant about my husband’s slovenliness and his lack of regard for me. Obviously, I posited, if he really loved me then he’d understand that I value a tidy space, and he’d want to please me by cleaning up before I came home exhausted. I jumped to all sorts of conclusions and made wild accusations about his character and attitude toward me.

Robert listened to my tirade with remarkable composure. When I finally paused for breath, he looked me straight in the eye and very calmly asked, “Did I mislead you? Are you surprised that the guy with the messy, disorganized apartment that you fell in love with continues to be messy and disorganized after getting married?”

His question stopped me in my tracks. He had not misled me. He wasn’t a tidy, organized person—never had been. He didn’t have the habits or the natural temperament of such a person. I knew that and I married him anyway. His failure to keep the apartment clean wasn’t personal. Contrary to my accusations that day (and subsequent days, if I’m honest), he wasn’t trying to hurt me. The condition of the apartment wasn’t a reflection of his love for me. He was just naturally untidy and had never lived in a situation where it caused a problem.

Love is Patient

This early lesson in marriage taught me something deeper. Just as Christ meets us where we are and patiently guides us toward holiness, marriage calls us to exercise this same patient love with our spouses. 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us, “Love is patient and kind… it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.”

It’s tempting to approach marriage with a renovation mindset—seeing our spouse as a project to be improved upon. We’ve all heard women say things like, “It took me years to train him.” While usually meant to be humorous, such comments reveal a fundamental misunderstanding of God’s work in marriage. Our spouses don’t need to be trained—they need to be encouraged and supported in their sanctification, just as we do. Love is patient.

As we grew together, God’s grace, and the wisdom of godly women led me away from nagging, complaining, and finger-pointing into prayer and patience—not perfectly, of course. I learned to trust God’s timing and work in Robert’s life—and in my own. Colossians 3:12-14 exhorts us to “put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience… And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” I wasn’t called to fix Robert but to walk alongside him in love. We got better at sharing space. I stopped resenting it or taking it personally when he left a mess. I learned to communicate my desires more clearly. He carved out his own spaces that could stay messy, and I learned not to sweat that. Meanwhile, he worked at being tidier in the spaces that mattered to me.

Patience for the Long Haul

Looking back, perhaps my greatest teacher of patient love has been Robert himself. Throughout our marriage, he has consistently modeled patience with me. He doesn’t nag, rarely complains. He’s in it for the long haul and trusts that God is at work. His example reminds me that patient love isn’t about waiting for our spouse to change—it’s about walking alongside them as God works in both our lives.

The story of our messy apartment might seem trivial compared to the serious challenges many couples face. Marriage often brings conflicts far weightier than housekeeping—financial struggles, health crises, infertility, addiction, or deep spiritual differences. God’s promise to complete the work He began (Phil. 1:6) remains our hope and undergirds us as we seek to love with patience and to trust Him to do the transforming work in His time.

If you’re struggling with differences that seem insurmountable—whether in the early, middle, or later years of marriage—take heart. God’s work isn’t measured in days or weeks, but in years and decades. When we entrust our marriages to Him and choose patient love over immediate demands for change, we create space for His transforming work in both our lives. And sometimes that space is messy.

Photo by Amy Humphries on Unsplash