KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR

A few years ago, my husband, a pastor, and I experienced a significant crisis in our ministry life. We were crushed. I went from being a pastor’s wife who loved the church and could imagine no better life, to being a pastor’s wife who thought it would be great if her husband found a different line of work. I went from viewing gathered worship as a place of ministry, hospitality, and joy to a place that my head knew was necessary and good, but that my heart struggled to be present for. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to truly love and trust a local church again.

I’m thankful that during that season, I had access to counseling for pastor’s wives through Cherish.

Connecting with Cherish

I have a vivid memory from the summer of 2019. My husband had gone ahead of me to his new pastoral call while I stayed behind to finish the packing, house-selling, and other necessities. As I sat amongst boxes, I took a break and scrolled on my phone and saw a post on social media about a new program from the PCA: Cherish. It offered free and discounted professional counseling for PCA pastor’s wives.

I’d seen this promoted online before, but it didn’t seem like the right time for me to pursue counseling. We were in the middle of a big move that was stressful; adding something else to my life seemed like a bad idea.

Yet, in that moment, nudged by the Holy Spirit, I thought I should check it out. I admit that I was skeptical. I have some training as a counselor, and I’d benefitted from counseling in the past. So, I have some opinions about what a counseling relationship should look like.

I had many questions: Would there be well-qualified counselors with the experience and wisdom I wanted in a clinician? How would it feel to have counseling through an online platform, rather than in-person? Would the application process be a giant hassle during a stressful and busy season?

Skepticism intact, I clicked a link, started the application and within 24 hours, I had an appointment with a counselor whose online bio seemed like a great match for my needs. The process was clear, simple, and efficient. I was grateful.

I was also surprised and delighted by the convenience of having sessions online. I thought it would feel awkward, but it didn’t. And not having the added stress and time of driving somewhere was an enormous benefit.

A Safe Place for Growth

When I signed up for counseling through Cherish, I didn’t know the future challenges that awaited us. So, when the crisis came, it was an amazing gift to have access to Cherish benefits and to have an established relationship with a counselor. My counselor provided a safe place for me to process the sorrow, loss, and grief related to our ministry crisis. Not long ago, I thought I’d never be able to truly give myself to the local church again, but God has brought me to an amazing place where I am growing in my love for His body and am having rich opportunities to serve.

Counseling has also given me space to work through neglected issues in my life—the kinds of issues that plague many of us. God has used counseling to reveal unhealthy patterns, habits, and sin that interfere with loving others well, and has deepened my understanding of who I am in Christ.

I have grown in my understanding of the familiar words of Proverbs 3:5-6,

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

I used to read those words, and effectively skip over the phrase, “do not lean on your own understanding.” But there is great pride and foolishness in expecting to be able to trust God in a way that leads to straight paths, without leaning on and learning from the wisdom of others, such as wise counselors. Walking with Christ and growing in faith is not a solo activity.

In addition to Cherish, the PCA has wisely engaged in another initiative—WE (Wives of Elders)—that provides support, encouragement, and connection for teaching and ruling elders’ wives. The educational resources and opportunities to connect with other elders’ wives through a cohort have been a blessing as I continue to navigate ministry life.

Being married to a pastor is a beautiful privilege for which I am profoundly grateful. It’s thrilling to have a front row seat in the arena where God is at work. But this calling often includes pain, sorrow, and loneliness. When your church family—the people you’ve trusted and shared life with—are the people who decide that your husband is no longer the right man to be their pastor, it’s a special kind of awful. When you’ve committed to a body of believers and poured your heart into that body, only to have members of the body reject you and leave, it can be devastating. When God providentially makes it clear that He’s directing your husband to seek a new call with a different body of believers, it can be unsettling and lead to fear and anxiety.

I’m grateful to be in the PCA. I’m grateful that our denomination understands some of the unique challenges faced by pastors’ and elders’ wives and has committed to caring for us through benefits and initiative like Cherish and WE.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash