AMY SANTARELLI |GUEST
When my children were young, my husband and I worked hard to prepare them for life. We taught them skills they needed such as tying their shoes, doing laundry, driving, and choosing a career. We also taught them Bible stories, character lessons, and how to obey. But how to suffer? Mostly, we tried to help them avoid it.
Now I am a biblical counselor who sits with people who are enduring a wide range of suffering. Seeing their struggles, I find myself looking back at this aspect of our child rearing and wishing I could have a parenting do-over.
In our efforts to raise our children well and prepare them for life, we missed something important—purposefully preparing them for a world where the Bible says we will have trouble (John 16:33; James 1:2; I Pet. 4:12–13). How do we equip our children to biblically respond to life’s troubles, so they do not flounder, or worse, run away from God to false comforts? When trouble hits, practice lament and submission to God with your children.
Biblical Lament
How should you address the challenges your children face, whether hurt feelings or a relationship heartbreak? Besides a hug and a listening ear, what will help them at the heart level?
Biblical lament is key. I first learned about lament from Mark Vroegop’s book, Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy. Here are the basics: cry, ask, remember. Psalm 13 presents an easy-to-see example of these three parts.
Cry: (Ps. 13:1–2) Teach our youth that we must turn to God in our pain. Help them voice the hurts and questions to God so they feel comfortable pouring out their heart to their heavenly Father. “Why did Dad leave?” “Why don’t I have any friends?” “God, why did you let that happen to me?”
Ask: (Ps. 13:3–4) Help your kids ask God for what they think they need. “Please bring Dad back.” “Please bring me a friend.” “Please ease my pain. Help me understand why you didn’t protect me.”
Remember: (Ps. 13:5–6) You will almost always find a hinge in the laments—a “but” or a “yet.” This is where we shift to remember God’s promises and recall His attributes. This section may be where your children need the most help from you, depending on their age and understanding of the Scriptures. If they can’t think of any promises or attributes on their own, walk through it with them. “Thank you for being a father to me.” “But I know that you are a friend to me.” “I know you are a good God and if you let something happen to me, it is for good reason, and you will never leave me.”
The remembering section is a perfect place to pull elements from sufferology—why bad things happen and where God is in them. Your children are already pondering these questions, so help them find the answers.
The beauty of lament is that it gives us a framework—steps to move through to take us from heartbreak to hope; from trouble to trust. In the end, your child’s situation may not have changed, but his perspective hopefully has. He has learned that we have a God we can talk openly to, one who hears us when we pray, and one whose promises and attributes give us hope and means to trust.
The more we practice this with our children, whether with disappointments or devastations, the more quickly they will learn to turn to God with their problems and find the true solution in Him.
Submission
Sometimes our children get upset because things did not go their way, from not being able to play video games when they want, to not getting into the school they desire. Are we teaching our children to make plans without God? Do they believe they control their lives? In God’s kingdom, we do not call the shots (James 4:13–16).
Think about the last few times you got angry or irritated. Hidden below that anger is the belief that things should go according to your plans and when they don’t, you have the right to be upset. Lurking there is the belief that God doesn’t really know what’s best nor does He have the power to make it happen. At the core we find pride, autonomy, and low thoughts of God. Is this what we are modeling for our children?
In contrast, submission helps fight against our prideful inclination to put ourselves on the throne. In Job 38, God steps in to remind Job of his proper place as He answers Job with, “Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?” We are not our own (I Cor. 6:19–20). We must submit to God’s sovereign plan for our days. We plan our way while always keeping in mind that the LORD directs our steps (Prov. 16:9). This applies to cancelled plans for the park or for college. When we believe we have rights to our own agenda, we will stumble when adversity strikes or become angry at God.
Submission humbly remembers God’s rightful place and bends the knee to what He brings our way, recalling He is a loving God who works things for our good in making us more like Him (Rom. 8:28–29) and drawing us to Him (Phil. 3:10). Knowing and believing God are essential parts of submission.
Takeaway
While it is important to directly teach lament and submission to our children, modeling it for them is crucial. More is caught than taught, right? Dive deeper into lament if it is new to you. Practice moving through the three sections. If submission is hard for you, but anger flows easily, ask God for His grace and mercy to help you see the reality of your beliefs and exchange them for trust and obedience. As we grow in teaching and practicing lament and submission, may we raise godly children who remain steadfast and immovable as they hold fast to God in their suffering.
Photo by Jessica Rockowitz on Unsplash
