AMY SANTARELLI |GUEST
I walk into church and spot a new person. I know I should go over and engage her, but such actions often end in stilted exchanges or awkward pauses. Making conversational space for people I don’t know well takes much more effort than the comfort of finding my seat or chatting easily with friends. Do I take the path of least resistance and avoid eye contact? Maybe I offer an acknowledging smile, but continue to my familiar chair? Or do I practice Christ-like hospitality and in love, make my way over to her?
The Importance of Questions
Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” Practicing hospitality in our conversations and becoming a person of understanding takes… practice. Each person we come across is a unique individual made in God’s image with varying interests, experiences, knowledge, and giftings. With the right question, we can tap into that well and the responses will begin to leak out. Even just a little response gives us more direction to continue the questions and soon that well can become a flow of water. Good conversation creates a connection, resulting in feeling seen and heard. It can make all the difference between being included or left on the outside. Why is that important? Because asking questions is a means to demonstrate Christ-like love. Ephesians 2:12 reminds us that we were separated, foreigners and strangers; we were outsiders until Christ initiated with us.
The Importance of Good Questions
Not all questions are created equal. “How are you?” often results in the standard response of “Fine.” It has become more of a friendly greeting that merely skims the surface instead of tapping into the well of that person. Greetings have their place, but for questions that make space for others, we need better tools in our arsenal.
I have heard good conversation illustrated as playing catch with someone. Tossing out a question is like tossing a ball. A good question is easy to catch and then pass back something the first person can work with, keeping the ball in play. “How are you?” tosses the ball, but the answer of “Fine” is like catching the ball and then dropping it. In the resulting silence, you’ll be scrambling for a new question to fling.
“What did you do this weekend?” is a bit better because the answer will likely give you something to reply to, keeping the ball in play. Though I confess that I still don’t love that question. Maybe it’s my age, but I often panic a bit at it, frantically attempting to recall something I did just the day before!
Collecting Questions
To get better at making room for others, I have begun collecting questions. On my phone notepad, I have a page entitled, “Conversation Starters” and when I come across a good question, I add it to the list. Here are some of my favorites:
What are you looking forward to?
What are you working on that excites you?
What was a highlight of this week? A low point?
What’s something you have learned recently?
What’s been running through your mind lately?
These questions reveal things about the person that allows you a peek into who they are and what’s important to them. They will yield lots of possibilities for continuing questions or connecting with your own experiences, drawing them out and keeping the ball in motion.
A Cautionary Note
In our earnestness to include others, we would do well to remember that some questions are not welcome and may result in the opposite result than what we are intending. A single woman may not want to be asked if she is married. A married woman may not wish to be asked if she has children. In these cases, a more general avenue such as, “Tell me about yourself” allows the new person to give out only what they wish to share. Instead of “What is your job?” ask “How do you spend your days?” Instead of asking a teenager, “What college are you planning to attend?” ask “What are your plans after high school?” Such thoughtfulness in our questions is appreciated by those who have come to dread such conversations.
Reflecting Christ
When we move toward others, drawing them out and making space for them with our words, we imitate Christ in His love for us. We can bring this to mind when we are tempted to ignore that new person. Yes, good conversation takes energy. Yes, it takes effort. Sometimes the questions we ask will fall completely flat! But as we practice this kind of hospitality, we will get better at it. And more importantly, we become more like Christ as we reach out to others.
Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash
