relationships

Navigating Conflict in Relationships

HEATHER MOLENDYK|CONTRIBUTOR Claire and Jen were those young moms that spent more time together than sisters. From school choice to playdates to daily phone calls, the friends were inseparable. At least they were until Jen refused to speak to Claire at church one Sunday. Claire attempted to restore the relationship every way she knew how. Fifteen years later, the kids are grown, and Claire still doesn’t know what she did to hurt the woman who used to be her best friend. At the local middle school, Jordyn isn’t faring much better. Her lunch time is spent trying to find a place to eat in peace. What started as a fallout between two friends, has now morphed into a drama that has the entire school taking sides. Jordyn bites into her apple while longingly watching the table where she used to be part of the group. Would things have been different if the injured classmate had been as open with Jordyn as she had with the other girls? Relationships are messy. As sinful creatures, we often make mistakes and hurt one another whether intentionally or accidentally. Fortunately, we serve a God that does not abandon us to the messes our sinful natures create. He walks with us, teaches us, and gives us the power to do hard things. Jesus teaches His followers how to manage relationships in the book of Matthew. Though the teachings of Christ might make us squirm, Scripture is incredibly clear as to how we are to navigate the struggles that come our way...

Navigating Conflict in RelationshipsChristina Fox2023-08-17T14:20:25+00:00

Forgiveness: A Costly Yet Worthy Obedience

ELLEN DYKAS|CONTRIBUTOR Corrie ten Boom, imprisoned during WWII for sheltering Jews in her home (along with her family), told a powerful story from a speaking event in Berlin. After sharing about God’s love, a man approached her. Oh, Miss Ten Boom, I’m so glad to see you…don’t you recognize me? She realized he was one of the cruelest guards in the concentration camp where she had been imprisoned with her sister, Betsy. He enthusiastically told her he was now a Christian, marveling at God’s forgiveness for all the cruelties he inflicted on people. But, he said, he prayed that God would give him an opportunity to ask one of his victims for forgiveness. Miss Ten Boom, will you forgive me? Corrie said, “I could not. I remembered the suffering of my dying sister through him...and I realized that if I did not forgive those who sin against me, my heavenly Father would not forgive me…but I could not [forgive him], but could only hate him.”[1] Confronting our inner hate and desperation I’ve not suffered the kind of trauma which Corrie endured, but I have been sinned against, and have confronted hatred in my heart towards evil doers, as well as believers who’ve betrayed me and mishandled my heart. What about you, sister? Today, are you weighed down with lingering pain and anger due to someone’s sin against you? A leader, friend, husband, parent, son, daughter, or boss? Do you resonate with Corrie’s desperate honesty, I can’t forgive, I can only hate?...

Forgiveness: A Costly Yet Worthy ObedienceChristina Fox2023-08-15T13:17:27+00:00

Important Lessons Learned in Relational Discomfort

LEAH JONES|GUEST I drove my son to the baseball field on a beautiful spring day. As an avid baseball fan, I was filled with excitement imagining moments of his potential glory. I anticipated watching him grow in a sport that I loved so much. I had visions of him being a superstar all the way through college. After that? Time would tell. After all, I didn’t want to get ahead of myself. My son spoke with all the sincerity his 8-year-old self could muster: “Mom, you don’t need to cheer for me today.” His calm comment was a jolt to my entire system! “Eliot! I love you and am so proud of you.” I secretly thought to myself, “I know baseball, so I know all the cool instructive things to say.” His reply was still calm but very serious, “Mom. It’s practice.” His discomfort demanded he speak truth to me. His point was well taken, and I scaled back my intensity to reflect his reality. Emotional Discomfort, a Gift from the Lord In our friendships, marriages, and family, we have moments of difficulty. We miscommunicate or we hear words and assume the worst. We often feel angry towards someone or hurt by them and can’t really name why. These internal disruptions are not enjoyable, but that does not mean they are bad. Emotional discomfort is a gift from the Lord. It tells us there is something happening, and He is at work to help us understand. In James 3:16-18, we are taught that a life of wisdom is, among other things, peaceable. And peace, by nature, is relational. Peace is not accomplished in a vacuum. The life of wisdom is found by working for peace with one another. In the midst of stressful and uncomfortable conversations we feel confused and flooded with all sorts of emotions. Our immediate reaction is often one of self-preservation or anger. But what God is showing us is our need for repentance and/or a deeper awareness of our wounds...

Important Lessons Learned in Relational DiscomfortChristina Fox2023-08-15T13:23:38+00:00

To Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice

KERRY ANDERSON|GUEST Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. (Rom. 12:15) When it comes to opening my mailbox, May is almost as exciting as December. Graduation announcements come in as a close second to Christmas cards among the favorite mail I receive. I love seeing the creativity of the cards, the carefully chosen, personality-reflecting senior pictures, and the promise of the future. I adore reading about the various accomplishments and next steps and I get extra excited when there’s a party invite in there too! I can just sense the beaming smile of a mamma as she addressed them all. And if you’ve ever mailed me one, know that your announcement sat in a special basket and was prayed over until dethroned in December by that first holiday card. When We are Better at Mourning than Rejoicing We’re heading into that end-of-the-school year season when our mailboxes and social media feeds are full of announcements of not just graduations, but also awards days, state championships, senior trips, college acceptances, job acceptances, and let’s not forget engagement and wedding season too! With so much to celebrate, you’d think we’d be masters at it. After all, our God is a God of many feasts and celebrations and in Psalm 35:27, it says He “…delights in the welfare of his servant!” And yet sometimes, those weddings, or graduation announcements, or pictures of a child with an honor roll certificate stir up less than God-honoring thoughts and emotions in us. Though it's a command to rejoice with those that rejoice, our heart can be the enemy to living that out. My then college-aged daughter once noticed this among her peers. As we pondered what we’d both seen, we concluded that often the people of God are better at mourning than rejoicing. Leaning into support, lifting up in prayer, and bringing a meal are actually easier than being a champion for, celebrating, and truly finding joy in someone else’s experience of blessing. We rush into comfort and rescue, but we hold back from honoring and encouraging. We don't send a congratulations text because we didn’t get that thing we applied for that month. We don’t ask a friend how her son’s wedding went because we weren’t invited. Or we don’t serve on that committee because we had hoped to be the chair. Maybe our child didn’t get into the college of her dreams or make the honor roll. Maybe our graduate can’t articulate what the next step is yet. Maybe you long to be married so attending another engagement party has a sting to it. Maybe your adult child is moving overseas while your friend’s is moving right around the corner. Those are the realities of life and in our over-connected online world, it’s not going away. Which is why we have the imperatives of Scripture to meditate on when our thoughts, hearts, and eyes drift from our eternal focus...

To Rejoice with Those Who RejoiceChristina Fox2023-08-15T13:26:13+00:00

The Half-full Cup of Coffee: A New Perspective on our Interruptions

CATHERINE LARSON|GUEST “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 19:14). The half-drunk cup of coffee is a running joke in our family. At the end of many a day, my husband will find my half-empty cup of coffee sitting cold on the counter. With six children underfoot, the morning ritual was of course interrupted by the baby’s cry, by the toddler needing help at the potty, by the fight which needed breaking up, and so on. There’s a glorious inefficiency to motherhood. It doesn’t seem to matter the task, there are always ample interruptions. There are points in my day where I do nothing but hold. The baby needs holding because he is fussing, the toddler wakes up from his nap grumpy, the seven-year-old skinned his knee. By the time the day is done, the tasks are still half-done, like my half-drunk cup of coffee. Maybe you are no longer in this stage of motherhood, but how often we all find this tantalizing satisfaction “of finishing” that eludes us. When it comes to motherhood, perhaps it is because the work of raising children is so abstract, that we long to complete anything. But in our lust for completion, the actual people in our lives—the relationships—can be seen as impediments to progress...

The Half-full Cup of Coffee: A New Perspective on our InterruptionsChristina Fox2023-08-15T13:38:00+00:00

Cultivating Community on Your Leadership Team

SHEA PATRICK|CONTRIBUTOR I’ve noticed a recurring theme in the phone calls I have received during my five years as a Regional Advisor on the PCA’s national women’s ministry team: the women’s ministry team at a particular church is unable to accomplish any of their goals because someone is trying to take over the team, or strife and conflict have caused relationships to completely break down. How can our leadership teams work together while loving and serving the church and each other well? I believe the answer is by working on the relationships between the women on the team. Even more, the relationships on our team can help our women’s ministry to support the mission and vision of the church or it can hinder these same things. We can take steps toward cultivating community on our team by doing two things: 1) remembering God’s design and 2) intentionally pursuing community...

Cultivating Community on Your Leadership TeamChristina Fox2023-08-15T13:47:15+00:00

Supporting Your Pastor’s Wife

LEAH JONES|GUEST I watched as a green inchworm crawled up the arm of the preacher’s suit during the middle of his sermon. I could hear the whispers in the pews around me as people speculated as to how the situation might end. But before the worm could make its way inside his suit and wreak even more havoc, I calmly walked up to the pulpit, brushed the small disruptive insect off the pastor’s sleeve, and returned to my seat. Anyone could have done what I did. We all knew he wouldn’t mind a momentary disruption to avoid disaster. But not everyone felt it was their job to help. I knew the job was mine alone. I was the pastor’s wife. A Unique Role A pastor’s wife faces tricky situations, most of which don’t involve inchworms. She has unspoken expectations placed upon her and few people with whom she can have transparent conversation. The women who serve in this vital role don’t have the typical avenues of care or companionship other women may take for granted, not because they don’t have friends or parishioners who love them; rather, because the calling to the role of “pastor’s wife” is layered with relational complexity...

Supporting Your Pastor’s WifeChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:44:45+00:00

We Are Family: Finding Community in the Local Church

REBECCA TAYLOR|GUEST I have been told time and time again that church is supposed to be like a family. Being a pastor’s daughter and now a pastor’s wife, I see the metaphor play itself out in church relationships. However, I often feel lost when I enter church. Who will I sit next to? Who gets me? Which community group or Bible study is the right one for me? I think many of us can relate to the desire to “find our group” or “find our person” when entering the doors of the church. For many years, this was my goal. But this past year, my eyes opened to a new way of viewing things. I now realize that if church is supposed to be like family, then we already belong. This shouldn’t sound groundbreaking, but it was for me. I have worked so hard, for so long, to try and feel “attached” to a group or church. This year, I have accepted that I am free to connect, instead of looking for a clinging attachment...

We Are Family: Finding Community in the Local ChurchChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:48:24+00:00

The Hard but Glorious in Conflict

ALICE KIM|CONTRIBUTOR Navigating conflict often feels like stuffing a bedsheet set back into its original packaging. If you manage to return the contents, you realize it’s not the same. The once smooth and compact surface and sharp corners are now bulging with lumps and oddly shaped edges. Though we sincerely believe the gospel makes a difference between two people who love Jesus and are actively walking toward understanding and forgiveness, it seems that reconciliation and restoration are unfortunately, the exception rather than the norm. Messy Relationships We feel the weight of how messy and complicated relationships in families, marriages, friendships, coworkers, and neighbors are as we live intertwined lives. Our differing personalities, backgrounds, desires, biases, and emotional triggers are potential sources of conflict. Furthermore, the less we know about the other person, the more inaccurate assumptions fill the gaps of understanding and in turn, taint the relationship. Even with the best intentions, we are still insensitive. I know this is true of myself. We treat objects or goals more important than people. We burden others with expectations and are convinced our way is better. Sadly, the effects of living in a fallen and broken world become inescapable...

The Hard but Glorious in ConflictChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:51:23+00:00

A Living Grief

HEATHER MOLENDYK|CONTRIBUTOR Hot water pounds my shoulders. I reach to turn the temperature hotter, desperate for the heat to stop the shivering in my bones. Although I am completely alone, my arms hug my naked chest in a protective gesture. They attempt to hold the broken pieces of my heart together. They utterly fail. The crumpling starts with my face before traveling down my vulnerable form. Dry sobs push up through my throat, contorting my mouth in a silent scream. There I stand completely alone, body raging against the guttural pain of grief, and unable to catch my breath before the next wave of tears push past my clenched eyes. To say that losing a loved one is hard is like saying an erupting volcano causes landscaping inconveniences. The exit of one you love always leaves a hole. Others may make substitutions. Others may offer what they can. But just like the uniqueness of individual snowflakes, each person in our lives contributes a special touch that only their fingerprints can make. We all know that life – no matter how vibrant and impactful – is always temporary. Each person is destined for eternity somewhere else. No one is guaranteed tomorrow. No one can live forever. That’s what each carved stone whispers to us from the cemetery. To dust we all return. No one is exempt...

A Living GriefChristina Fox2023-03-24T17:51:56+00:00