LISA UPDIKE | GUEST

We were getting pedicures—a splurge! Two women sat at our feet, trimming our nails, and chatting. One of them said something and they both began giggling. My daughter and I exchanged glances. We couldn’t speak their language and the first thing we assumed was that they were laughing at one of our feet.  

Haven’t you made those types of assumptions? Conversation is flowing, you hear it down the hall…you walk in…things fall silent. “Were they talking about me?” Someone looks up and then away. “Are they trying to avoid me?” You send a text with cute emojis, get a one-word response, and immediately think, “Is she mad at me?” 

The Danger with Assumptions 

Ugh! Soon we’re enslaved by our assumptions. Our concern over what someone might be thinking robs us of freedom while our inner middle-school girl begins to run our life. We avoid relationships, assuming that others will judge us for our struggles. We might dodge the put-together woman at church because, juice on our blouse, we’re worried she’ll critique our disheveled appearance. Meanwhile, she is desperately lonely, and misses being with children. We move through our lives, thinking we know the hearts and minds of others, behaving as if our assumptions are actually facts. How careful we must be, for it is from the well of such assumptions that we are prone to draw insecurity—a poisonous drink. 

To be sure, making assumptions is part of life. We assume the grocery store will have eggs and butter, and that the hours posted on the store’s door are accurate. This is helpful. The danger of assumptions comes when applied to people, as if we know another person’s thoughts. This is dangerous territory for our souls. 1 Corinthians 4:5 says, “Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart.” When we think we can read the heart of another, or assume we know her motives, we are dangerously close to “pronouncing judgement before the time.” 

Remember when Samuel went to Jesse’s house to look over his sons. He looked at Eliab and concluded by his good looks and height that he must be the Lord’s anointed. But the Lord reminded Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance… man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) How often do we come to conclusions about others based only on what we observe? We assume the smiley outgoing person has no suffering, or the person with the beautiful house and manicured lawn has her life all together, never reaching out to the one who is outwardly cheerful, but inwardly suffering, or the one who manages her house, but is struggling relationally.  

Assumptions and the Fear of Man 

But even worse, we allow our behavior to be governed by what we guess others might think. Ms. “Put together” might think I’m a mess—I could never invite her into my home!   Ms. “Capable” might think I don’t do things as efficiently as she does. I’d be too embarrassed to help serve on the women’s breakfast team with her. We avoid comforting a grieving sister in Christ for fear of saying the wrong things and looking foolish. We decline leading a Bible study because others might think we are not smart enough. We hear a comment and rather than take it at face value, we imagine dark motives of the speaker.  

Sisters, this is sin. It robs the women of our churches of thriving relationships and it robs you of joy. Proverbs 29:25 warns us, “The fear of man lays a snare…” and it’s a trap we often walk into willingly.   So what if someone thinks poorly of you? You are only called to love and serve others, not worry about what they think of you! Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another…” (John 15:12). Let us repent of fearing the thoughts of men (or women) so that we can be freed from such a snare. What joy and freedom there is when we think of others and their needs ahead of our own!  

Assume the Best 

If we make assumptions at all, let us assume the best. Let us remember that just as we are needy, so are our sisters. What if, instead of pulling into our little snail shells when we think we might get poked, we reach out in love and encouragement: inviting the dour woman to tea, and the outspoken woman into our home? What if we admitted to our grieving friend that we don’t know what to say, but we sure do love her? What if we told that new couple that we don’t cook immaculate meals, but if they didn’t mind hot dogs, we’d love to have them over to get to know our family? And what if my daughter and I enjoyed the laughter of those two women instead of being insecure? This is what: the Lord would take great delight and we would have fellowship one with another!  

Photo by Katie Treadway on Unsplash