ELIZABETH TURNAGE | CONTRIBUTOR

As Marissa Bondurant mentioned in our last article in this series, caregiving, while a burden, is also a calling. Today I want to explore one of the common challenges of this calling: anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory Grief

Three years ago, Lara’s father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. As his primary caregiver, Lara is struggling. She finds herself crying frequently, losing her temper daily, and feeling anxious constantly. Like many caregivers of people with progressive or terminal disease, Lara is experiencing anticipatory grief. According to bereavement counselor Marty Tousley, “Grief occurs in anticipation of and following a loss. Extended illness, disability, severe accidental injury, a terminal diagnosis, or the aging and decline of an elderly family member can produce anticipatory grief.”[i]

Symptoms of anticipatory grief may include anger, anxiety, depression, denial, irritability, and difficulty concentrating. The caregiver may also experience a sense of hope as she imagines the coming relief from her caregiving burden. Following that sense of hope, she may feel guilt.

While many psychologists call this grief “anticipatory,” others note that “anticipatory” may not be the most accurate term, because the caregiver is experiencing grief over current loss—the loss of the ability to enjoy life with her loved one as she did in the past, the losses her loved one now experiences due to limitations, and the loss of the caregiver’s “normal” life. The first thing caregivers need to know is that both anticipatory grief about the future and present grief about the loss of past joys is to be expected. In addition, the caregiver can take comfort from and learn from Jesus as she navigates anticipatory grief.

Jesus and Anticipatory Grief

As Jesus approached his death, he seems to have experienced anticipatory grief. While Jesus is sinless and did not experience irrational anger or irritability, he did feel anguish in anticipation of his death. Let’s visit the Garden of Gethsemane to see what we can learn about coping with anticipatory grief.

The night before his death, Jesus took refuge in the Garden of Gethsemane. His disciples followed him there, but at a certain point, he told them to wait and pray and went on alone. In the depths of the garden, he knelt and he cried out. He lamented. He begged God to “remove this cup” (Luke 22:42). In his humanity, Jesus dreaded the horror of death by crucifixion; he feared even more bearing his Father’s wrath for our sins. Even so, he prayed “your will be done” (Luke 22:42). The Father did not remove the cup; he did send angels to “strengthen” Jesus (Luke 22:43). And yet, even after the angels came, Jesus cried and prayed more, sweating blood in his agony (Luke 22:44).

Although Jesus is not the caregiver in this context, we can still learn from him about how to navigate anticipatory grief.

Navigating Anticipatory Grief

Name the horror of death. Death is one of the devastating consequences of the Fall, and as such, it should be grieved. Theologian Philip Ryken notes, “Jesus was averse to death”[ii] For this reason, he grieved even his own death. We need not pretend to welcome death. We can name our fear of it. And yet, because Jesus suffered death for us, and because we are united to Jesus in his death and resurrection, those who trust in Christ have hope for a different ending. With this hope we can face the harsh reality of death and dying.

Name the joy of memories you have with loved ones and continue to make new memories.

In the garden, we see Jesus caring for his beloved disciples. He allowed them to be present to him even as he recognized their frailty and fallibility (they fell asleep). In the same way, we can be present to our loved ones as caregivers, and we can also allow them to be present to us in the ways they are able, making new connections in this season of life.

Pray and invite others to pray.

Jesus was “sorrowful and troubled” (Matt. 26:37), and he honestly named his desire: “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me….nevertheless, not as I will but as you will” (Matt. 26:39). He also invited the disciples to pray, even though he knew they would fail him. As we anticipate the losses that may come to a loved one during a health crisis, or as we anticipate their death, we can join Jesus in honest lament, crying out our anguish to God. And because grief can numb us, muting our prayers, we can ask others to pray for and with us.

Invite others to bear your burdens.

Just as Jesus invited his disciples to be present with him, we can reach out to others and receive help from them. God has designed his church “to bear one another’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2), and it is a privilege and a calling to come alongside others in their grief. Allowing others to give us respite care, to help with household tasks, or to bring us meals can reduce the exhaustion that leads to irritability. Taking part in a caregivers’ support group and talking with a counselor trained in grief therapy can also bring comfort.

Speak and invite the words that need to be spoken.

While Jesus speaks his final words to his disciples in the Upper Room Discourse, he also speaks intentionally to them in the garden, telling them to watch and pray that they may not enter temptation (Matt. 26:41). Caregivers will find peace by addressing unresolved issues whenever possible. We can seek to communicate about legal and financial matters, make time to ask forgiveness and extend forgiveness, and voice words of blessing and gratitude. We can ask for stories we’ve never heard before—stories of growing up, stories of favorite foods, stories of struggles and joys, etc.

Anticipate glory.

Finally, even as we feel anticipatory grief over decline and death, we can anticipate glory. Hebrews 12:2 tells us that Jesus endured the cross “for the joy set before him,” the joy of being reunited with his Father, the joy of being united with us eternally. We too have joy awaiting us: our forever future with Christ in glory.

In these hard days of decline, may you remember that you do not bear them alone, and that you will not bear them forever. Lean into glory even as you grieve.

[i] Marty Tousley, “Coping as You Anticipate a Loss,” Open to Hope, June 2, 2009, https://www.opentohope.com/coping-as-you-anticipate-a-loss/.

[ii] Philip Graham Ryken, Luke, ed. Richard D. Phillips, Philip Graham Ryken, and Daniel M. Doriani, vol. 2, Reformed Expository Commentary (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2009), 501.

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