LISA UPDIKE | GUEST

According to conversations with kids, most families have a “no” parent and a “yes” parent, and the kids know which one to go to when they want something. I think most people tend to be an auto pilot “yes” or “no.” I suppose we could leave it at that. Some of us are quicker to jump in, some are better at healthy boundaries, and that’s that. But I’m not so sure this status quo is where we ought to live. In fact, the more I think about it, the more convinced I am that God would call us to something better.

Problematic Yes

A default of saying “yes” can be a beautiful thing. You have a heart ready to serve. People know they can count on you. You see the needs and you know how to fill them. You lay down your life for others. What a blessing!

Not only that, but Yes Girl is popular! She is known. She is a go-getter. And therein lies the issue. People-pleasing is a lousy reason to be the Yes Girl. We must examine our hearts (sigh…that heart examination is ever-present). Who are we seeking to please? Ourselves, others, or Jesus? By rushing in with our “yes” we might be robbing others of an opportunity to serve. We may be robbing our families of our time. And worst of all, we may be tempted to find our identity in being the one who does it all, or enjoy the thankfulness of others a little too much, or find satisfaction in playing the overworked martyr. We may rely on our busyness to fill a void. This is a problematic “yes.”

The Over-done No

Of course, a default of saying “no” has its benefits too. It’s a wonderful protection against the busyness that plagues our culture. Our No Girl tends to make first things the important things, setting priorities wisely. Her “no” often protects family time and allows for breathing space. Her “no” keeps things steady and predictable.

But over time her steady “noes” may mean she is asked less and less. She might find herself on the fringes of church activities, and worse, she may be content to be there. She often enjoys her comfort zone and is unwilling to step outside of it. She may compare herself to the Yes Girl and won’t even hazard saying “yes,” because she won’t perform at that level. She believes if she sticks to her “no” someone “more suited” to the task will eventually step up. This is an over-done “no.”

Piloting this plane

Honestly, it hardly needs to be said, because we all know it: There is a time for saying “yes” and a time for saying “no.” It’s just that in our frailty, we would rather lean on the comfortable, familiar answer than to think, pray, and consult others.  So, sister, here is my gentle challenge for you (and me): seek to glorify God in all that you say or do. Sounds simple, too simple, but it’s the foundation of good decision making.

Yes Girl, make sure you know why you are saying your “yes.” Make sure that saying “yes” will not keep you from the clear God-given duties that you already have. Sacrifice is fine. Hard is okay. But burn-out is not. Neglecting your family or job is not. Finding your identity in being the Yes Girl is bad for your soul. Don’t be afraid to delay a “yes.” Telling someone that you would like time to think about it, talk it over, and pray is a good and acceptable answer. And Yes Girl, remember God is sovereign and your no cannot stop His plan.

But for my automatic No Girl, let me remind you that your boundaries might keep you safe, but sometimes they are too confining. If you step just beyond your comfort zone, guess what? Your comfort zone just got bigger! When you say “yes” to something new, you make new connections, you find the joy of serving, and you learn that your capacity is greater than you realized. Saying “yes” may cause you to rely on the Lord in fresh new ways. Yes, God is sovereign, but He has chosen to use people like YOU to accomplish His plans. He invites you to be part of His good work.

As Paul reminded Timothy, “…fan into flame the gift of God…for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power love and self-control” (2 Tim. 1: 6-7). What if we took ourselves off autopilot? What is we were thoughtful and prayerful in our “yeses” and “noes”? Wow! What freedom! Friend, let’s make sure that both our “yeses” and “noes” are said because the gift of God is burning within. Let’s not respond out of fear, but instead with confidence in the power, love, and self-control given to us by God.

Photo by Florian Schmetz on Unsplash