JENNIFER WHITE |GUEST
Editor’s Note: this article contains stories of infancy and pregnancy loss.
My husband, a newly elected church elder, put the car in park. We locked eyes. “Wait,” I said. “Before we go in, let’s think through what we are going to say.” We agreed to tell the young couple that we loved them. We wanted to remind them of God’s great love for them. We planned to pray and offer various resources available through our church.
As we entered the hospital room, we both froze. The mom sat in bed quietly crying. The teary father held their baby boy wrapped in a crinkly cooling blanket, protecting his body and skin so his siblings could meet him. He had died unexpectedly the day before in an emergency c-section. As we looked in the parents’ eyes, we crumbled, grieving and crying with this family. We prayed the truths of God’s word over their lives: that He is near to the brokenhearted, that He loves little children, that He is our shepherd and our rock. Even in the newness of grief and shock of pain, they rehearsed God’s truths along with us. Then, we left them to hold their baby boy, to grieve and cry together. As we exited, I felt overwhelmed and helpless. “Lord,” I prayed, “are you sure? Am I the right person for this job? Was I capable or strong enough? Did we say the right things? Did we stay long enough? Too long? Did our visit make things easier or harder for these grieving parents?”
When We Are Inadequate
This hospital visit happened during my third week serving as Women’s Ministry Director at my church. In the first two weeks, two additional expectant mothers lost babies, one early in pregnancy and one half way through, requiring a delivery. All three mothers had already delivered healthy children in prior pregnancies with no complications. Three babies met their Savior without ever meeting their parents. Questions immediately rose in my mind: Has the amount of suffering and sadness around me increased? Are we being attacked as a church body? As a community? It seemed we were. And yet, God began to remind me of His sovereignty and tender care in the lives of His people. As we suffered, He drew us close. He began to teach me through the examples of these grieving parents and the many church members ministering to them. As I continued to realize how incapable I truly am to care for the needs of over 300 women in our church, He began to teach me that although I am inadequate, He is fully adequate, and all He asks of me is to be willing.
I wonder if you have ever had a “foot at the door of a hospital room” moment in your line of work. While ministry often provides opportunities to enter personal lives of those under your care, all jobs require things of us that we may not feel able or willing to give. We lie awake at night worried about finances, projects, or relationships with clients because working as unto the Lord is HARD work. How about unpaid roles such as motherhood or the call to singleness? Have you ever felt like God called the wrong person or that you are trying to pour yourself out of a cup that’s already empty? Have you ever felt called to stay in a job you dislike in order to provide for your family or to minister to a coworker?
Strengthened by Christ
Feelings of inadequacy are not unique to a specific vocation or life experience; they are actually common to the human experience. When Jesus considered God’s calling on His life, even He was “overwhelmed to the point of death” (Matt. 26:38). These overwhelmed feelings may even intensify the longer you are a Christian and the more God reveals His truths to your heart. As Jesus taught in John 15, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
Apart from Christ, I can’t file that report, land the new account, plan a conference, discipline an unruly child, or apologize to my husband (again). I can’t fix life’s tragedies or come up with words that magically heal in an instant. I can’t even do the most basic things like sleeping, breathing, or controlling my heartbeat. But with His help, I can share God’s Word. I can remind myself and others of His truth. Like the Psalmist, I can incline my heart to perform His statutes forever (Ps. 119:112). In this passage, the Hebrew word for incline means to bend or turn toward, as in a plant stretching to the sun as it travels across the sky. God’s Word is where the Psalmist turns his heart, where he reaches for strength and sustenance as he seeks to obey. It’s an act of faith and practice. As I meditate on His Word and it infiltrates my heart and actions, I can walk in that hospital room. I can trust Him to work through me, admitting that I don’t have all the answers or every gifting, but I do have Jesus. He has saved me by His grace and He promises to be with me (Eph. 2:8; Matt. 28:20). And ultimately, that’s all I need, and all I need to offer others.
Do you find yourself in a place where you feel weak or insufficient? Bring those cares to the Lord. Incline your heart toward Him and find Him sufficient for all your needs.
Jennifer White
Jennifer White serves as the Women’s Ministry Director at a PCA church in Mississippi. Over the years, she has worked in marketing and youth ministry as well as taken a few seminary courses. Jennifer has published articles in Southern Accents (a Southern Living magazine) and Metro Christian Living. She and her husband, Everett, have three teenage children. She loves to read, teach Bible Study, take Reformer Pilates classes, eat good chocolate, and learn from the many wise women in her church.