LEAH JONES | GUEST

I drove my son to the baseball field on a beautiful spring day. As an avid baseball fan, I was filled with excitement imagining moments of his potential glory. I anticipated watching him grow in a sport that I loved so much. I had visions of him being a superstar all the way through college. After that? Time would tell. After all, I didn’t want to get ahead of myself.

My son spoke with all the sincerity his 8-year-old self could muster: “Mom, you don’t need to cheer for me today.” His calm comment was a jolt to my entire system! “Eliot! I love you and am so proud of you.” I secretly thought to myself, “I know baseball, so I know all the cool instructive things to say.” His reply was still calm but very serious, “Mom. It’s practice.” His discomfort demanded he speak truth to me. His point was well taken, and I scaled back my intensity to reflect his reality.

Emotional Discomfort, a Gift from the Lord

In our friendships, marriages, and family, we have moments of difficulty. We miscommunicate or we hear words and assume the worst. We often feel angry towards someone or hurt by them and can’t really name why. These internal disruptions are not enjoyable, but that does not mean they are bad. Emotional discomfort is a gift from the Lord. It tells us there is something happening, and He is at work to help us understand.

In James 3:16-18, we are taught that a life of wisdom is, among other things, peaceable. And peace, by nature, is relational. Peace is not accomplished in a vacuum. The life of wisdom is found by working for peace with one another. In the midst of stressful and uncomfortable conversations we feel confused and flooded with all sorts of emotions. Our immediate reaction is often one of self-preservation or anger. But what God is showing us is our need for repentance and/or a deeper awareness of our wounds.

James tells us we cannot both seek wisdom from above and have selfish ambition. Those two motives are opposed to one another. Seeking God’s wisdom is accepting His plan for our life and investing our whole selves entirely in His will. Seeking selfish ambition provides little avenues of self to infiltrate our thoughts, feelings, and even our prayers. Our selfish ambition seeps into our communication with others. Shame from our past infiltrates the fractures of our hearts and overflows onto those we love the most—especially during conflict or moments of personal suffering.

Simple right? If someone makes us feel sad or angry, there is sin to be seen, wounds to be acknowledged, or both. However, even when we are acting out of true desire for God’s will, our words can feel harsh. We are commanded to be kind to one another but that does not always feel nice. If we absorb the discomfort or accommodate for another’s pain by reframing circumstances to allow them to feel better, we are acting as a savior. Instead, sitting in the emotional pain of another as they process, and asking questions with kindness, allows us to reflect THE Savior.

Don’t Ignore the Discomfort

This is the illustration in Ecclesiastes describing God’s love for us with a three corded strand that is not easily broken (4:12). While relational discomfort is often unpleasant, it should not be ignored. Emotions that feel uncomfortable are as much a gift from the Lord as the peace James offers. Why would we seek out the wisdom from above if we did not feel the need for the relief it would provide? How can we better understand who Jesus is for us if we ignore the ways He uses others to reflect his goodness?

Five things to remember in relational discomfort:

• Pain demands to be noticed. We must acknowledge the discomfort and spend emotional energy to frame it into words.
• Determine the cause of discomfort. Is it the cause of present-day circumstances? It is often possible we are pulling emotion from the past and applying it to today’s troubles.
• Pray through the relationships that caused pain and ask the Lord to reveal how sin has infiltrated deep fractures or experiences. Be ready and willing to repent of sin to the Lord and to those who have been affected by our overflow of shame.
• Prioritize finding truth rather than being right. The resolution to relational discomfort shows us where we lack knowledge of our Savior. A wealth of wisdom is found in how we have been less than perfect in relationships with those we love.
• Reflect a Savior rather than be one. It often feels easier to simply absorb relational discomfort. We adjust circumstances with words to match a false perspective. It may feel nice, but it is not kind.

Only when we work for emotional clarity can we live out the calling set before us. Jesus taught us to love the Lord our God with our heart, mind, soul, and strength. Following this command demands we understand how our experiences produce an internal dialogue (mind) resulting in an emotional reaction (heart). Then we walk through life (body) seeking wisdom from above (soul) in order to harvest righteousness “sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:18).

Regardless of how the relationship is represented, by the diamond on your left hand, the field where your child plays, or in conversations at our denomination’s 50th General Assembly this summer, relational tension helps us harvest righteousness as we seek wisdom from above.

*Photo courtesy of Leah Jones