KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR

Last night I gave my mom her medications and helped her get comfortable in her bed. Then she pointed to the mirror across the room and asked me if I see “that thing.”

I didn’t see anything.

I asked her a few questions to try to discern what she was talking about. I finally concluded that my mother, who suffers from Alzheimer’s, was hallucinating. I tried to assure her that there was nothing for her to be concerned about. She seemed satisfied with my assurance and soon fell asleep. And once again, I was faced with the sadness that comes with caring for a parent who is slipping away.

This isn’t our first season of caregiving.

In the summer of 1999 when I was six months pregnant and had a fifteen-month-old daughter, my mother-in-law suffered a major stroke. What followed was more than a decade of caring for her in our home.

I had never imagined myself in the role of caregiver. I’m not a particularly compassionate or nurturing person. Caregiving is hard. It is costly, exhausting, and inconvenient. But for us, it’s how we’ve applied God’s command to “honor your father and mother” (Ex. 20:12).  And the Lord has used it to produce unexpected and lasting fruit in my life and the life of our family.

Caregiving teaches compassion.

My mother-in-law was not ambulatory, but that didn’t stop her from trying. Despite our best efforts to dissuade her, she would sometimes (unsuccessfully) try to walk on her own.

One afternoon I went into her room to check on her and found her lying on the floor. She’d managed to get out of her fancy electronic chair and promptly fell on the floor. If I’m honest, my first reaction wasn’t concern for her well-being (thankfully, she was unharmed), but was irritation at her for once again doing what we’d begged her not to. I was ashamed of myself.

God graciously exposed my lack of compassion and mercy. He is a God who is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. Even when I once again, do the thing that He’s told me not to do, He is patient and compassionate.

Through the ordinary work of caring for someone unable to care for herself God taught me to be more compassionate—to treat others as we wish to be treated (Matt. 7:12) and to love the least of these (Matt. 25:40).

Caregiving shaped my children for good.

When our children were young, I often worried that the pressing needs of their grandmother would leave them feeling neglected. Their childhood included limitations and inconveniences that other families did not face.

I remember once, when our daughter was about 3 years old, I was occupied with my mother-in-law in another room. I heard my daughter crying and calling for me, but I couldn’t leave my mother-in-law to attend to her.  I was heartbroken. As I continued to assist my mother-in-law, I cried out to God to care for my daughter and to use the circumstances to shape her—to make her compassionate, patient, and loving.

I prayed like that often for my kids during that season.

As they got older, we found age-appropriate ways for them to participate in their grandmother’s care. They pushed her wheelchair, put lotion on her hands and feet, and read the Bible to her.

Our children are now adults. I see answers to those earlier prayers to grow them in compassion and patience. There is evidence that the Lord used those years for their good.

Caregiving teaches us about human dignity.

We are all made in God’s image (Gen. 1:26-27) and we continue to bear God’s image even as we get old, sick, weak, and need care from others. All image-bearers have dignity.

When speaking of those who are seriously infirm, it is common to assert that such a person has “no quality of life.” I know what people usually mean by that, but I think it misses something important about what it means for someone’s life to have quality. Those who are weak and infirm are not without purpose; they are often the ones God uses to teach the rest of us.

Caregiving has strengthened our marriage.

Several years ago, when my mother could no longer live alone, my husband and I entered a second season of caregiving. We are in a different stage of life now—our children are grown, and we are older, more tired, and, by God’s grace, a little wiser. Partnering in caregiving has deepened my love and appreciation for my husband as he faithfully and tenderly partners with me in caring for my mother.

We recently celebrated our thirty-sixth wedding anniversary. More than a third of those years have included living with and caring for an aging parent.

And our marriage is better for it.

Caregiving has been a “team sport.” We have to work together to get the job done. Schedules have to be coordinated. We have to be tuned in to each other’s physical or emotional exhaustion. We have to ask each other for help and understand when it’s time to step in and take a heavier load. All of this has led to deeper intimacy.

We’ve also been intentional to prioritize our relationship. That has meant making space to step away from the daily responsibilities and spend time together. Those breaks are not always easy to arrange, but they are necessary and important.

I am especially grateful that one of the ways the Lord answered my prayers of years ago is through our children’s willingness to serve others. Our daughter has often stepped in to care for her grandmother while my husband and I take time to rest and reconnect.

Caregiving is not a path I would have chosen for myself. It requires more than I feel equipped to give and exposes sin and weakness.

And it has been a place of grace.

You may not find yourself in a caregiving season. But we are called to love others in ways that are costly and inconvenient. Whether that means caring for a parent, serving a spouse, raising children, or bearing burdens within the body of Christ, the call is the same. And so are God’s promises.

The Lord uses it all to shape us, to bless others, and to display something of His own steadfast love.

Photo by charles Lebegue on Unsplash