KIM BARNES | CONTRIBUTOR

Soon after I graduated from college and moved to a new town, I started attending the PCA church that I eventually joined. One of my early visits was especially memorable. At the conclusion of the service, three couples were invited up front: the senior pastor and his wife, the associate pastor and his wife, and an elder and his wife. All three couples were celebrating 30 years of marriage. I was in awe.

As a young single woman hoping to be married, I thought this was exactly the kind of church I wanted to join—one that celebrated longevity in marriage and included examples of faithful partnerships.

When I look back at that day and consider how impressed I was by those couples and how wise I thought they were, it’s a little strange to now be in the position of being married longer than 30 years myself. I don’t feel as wise as I imagined those couples were, but I do have things to share that would surprise a younger me.

Sometimes You Should Go to Bed Angry

Many quote Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” as a biblical mandate to resolve all conflict before calling it a night. I think that misunderstands Paul’s imperative.

There are times in marriage when you should probably go to bed angry. Sometimes what you need is a good night’s rest, instead of hashing things out while you’re both angry and tired. God’s mercies are new every morning. Sometimes sleep provides the clarity that midnight conversations cannot.

Acknowledge that you love each other despite the anger, promise you’re committed to working things out, and trust that morning may bring new perspective.

You’re Not Required to Have Devotions Together

We’ve all heard the advice to “keep Christ at the center of your marriage.” But what does that actually look like? Many Christians assume it means couples must pray together daily, study Scripture together, and maintain regular devotions as a pair. When these practices don’t take root—and honestly, they don’t for many couples—guilt sets in. Wives feel disappointed that their husbands aren’t leading spiritually. Husbands feel the weight of expectations they can’t seem to meet.

Here’s the truth: there’s no biblical mandate requiring couples to do devotions together. While praying and studying God’s Word with your spouse can be wonderful, it’s not the measuring stick of a Christ-centered marriage.

Some couples thrive with shared quiet times and joint Bible studies. Others find that their different schedules, learning styles, or spiritual seasons make this challenging. Both can have marriages that honor Christ.

Whether you’re a couple that opens God’s Word together every day or a couple that finds devotions are best done individually, here are three ways to grow a Christ-centered marriage:

1. Connect to a local church. Make weekly corporate worship non-negotiable for your household. Use your gifts and resources to serve the church. Marriage wasn’t meant to exist in isolation—it flourishes best within the context of Christian community and accountability.
2. Pray faithfully for your husband. Pray for his heart, his work, his struggles. Pray that God would sanctify you both.
3. Cultivate your own personal spiritual growth. Be intentional about spending time in God’s Word and prayer. Make Christ central to your own existence.  

Good Communication Isn’t Saying Everything You Think

We’re often told that healthy marriages require “open communication,” but good communication includes filtered communication. Proverbs 19:11 reminds us that “it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is keep your thoughts to yourself.

Before you speak, especially in moments of frustration, ask yourself: Is this true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Will it build up or tear down? Words carry power—once spoken, they can’t be taken back. Too many hurtful things are said under the banner of “just being honest.” In Ephesians 4:29, Paul exhorts us to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up.”

This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations. When issues truly need addressing, choose your words carefully. Seek to honor Christ and serve your husband when discussing hard topics. The goal isn’t to say less, but to say what matters most—with wisdom, timing, and love.

“For Better” is Sometimes harder Than “For Worse”

When you got married, you vowed “for better or worse.” We naturally expect the challenge to be enduring the “worse”—supporting our husbands through job loss, illness, or failure. But sometimes we struggle just as much with our spouse’s “better.”

One way I experienced this was early in our marriage while my husband was in seminary. My husband spent his days reading, writing, attending classes, and studying with friends while I “brought home the bacon” at a demanding and stressful job. His days seemed so much better than mine and I was often frustrated and resentful.

When things go well for him but not for you—when he gets the promotion while you’re passed over, or when his dreams flourish while yours feel stalled, or when he’s just having more fun in a particular season than you are—resist the temptation toward self-pity or begrudging his success. Instead, choose to genuinely rejoice with him (Rom. 12:15). His wins don’t diminish you; instead, they are opportunities to practice selfless love.

Those three couples I admired so much in my early days at church? They all attended my wedding about three years later—the senior pastor performed our ceremony and his wife was our wedding coordinator. Now, decades later, I understand better what I witnessed that Sunday morning. One of the three couples has now been married for 68 years. The other two were eventually parted by death, but not before leaving legacies of faithfulness that continued to influence our marriage for years.

What struck me as a young woman—and what I hope strikes others now—wasn’t that these couples had figured out some secret formula. It was that they had learned to choose love through the ordinary, through every disappointing season, and through every moment when feelings failed them. Their wisdom wasn’t in having easy marriages, but in having enduring ones. And sometimes, that endurance looks surprisingly different than we expect.

Photo by micheile henderson on Unsplash