ELLEN DYKAS | CONTRIBUTOR

I well remember a conversation years ago, at a Harvest USA fundraising banquet, during which I needed to defend my full-time position in our ministry to women. The conversation went like this:

Well-meaning man: “You’re full time? Are there that many wives who have Christian husbands looking at porn?”

Me: “Well, yes; not only do wives reach out for help, but Christian women who are struggling with things like pornography and casual sex do as well.”

Well-meaning man: “Really? I never thought women struggled with that stuff!”

It wasn’t the first time I had to defend my job. Women have long felt invisible in the church. When it comes to sexuality, most of the attention has gone to men. So, when a woman needs help for her sexual struggles, she often wonders, where do I turn? Who can help me?!

Darcy¹ came for help because she couldn’t stop hooking up with men. She’d sought out more men than she could remember, and her face and voice communicated shame and pain as she gave me her diagnosis, “Ellen, I guess I’m just more like a man.”

She needed help understanding that lust and sexually sinful behaviors are gender neutral.

Why did Darcy think that? Because in her church circles, she only heard that men had problems with lust. Yes, there was something wrong with Darcy, but it wasn’t that her sexuality was more like a man’s. She needed help understanding that lust and sexually sinful behaviors are gender neutral! Idolatrous, lonely, and selfish hearts don’t belong to one gender.

Is your women’s ministry a safe space for women who struggle sexually?

Jane Patete, former Director of the PCA Women’s Ministry, humbly and boldly wanted this topic to be taught about in our churches. In 2013 she invited me to give a plenary talk at the annual Women’s Leadership Training Conference. That talk opened the door for me to not only speak at many churches, but to come alongside many hurting women who needed help. What a joy and honor to be entrusted with tender secrets that so many had carried, often with shame and a broken heart. I’m grateful for Karen Hodge’s vision to keep biblical sexuality as a topic for our women’s ministries to not only address, but become equipped to disciple, care for, and companion each other towards faithfulness.

Is your women’s ministry a safe space for women who struggle with pornography, same-sex attraction, sexual lust, and relational messes? There are many reasons why we don’t talk about sexual issues (at Bible studies, retreats, etc.). It’s scary and intimidating. We don’t feel equipped, or we wonder if our past sin disqualifies us to lead others. Or perhaps we have ongoing sexual sin in our lives that we just can’t get rid of, and the shame of it tempts us to stay hidden ourselves—especially if we are leaders!

I have taught on sexuality to women from all over the United States and several countries, and their testimony is consistent: we struggle, we don’t hear the church talking about this as a women’s issue, and we don’t know where to get help!

How can your church grow in addressing ‘common to all’ struggles, including sexual sin?

First, recall that Jesus had no problem coming alongside women who struggled sexually. From the “sinner” who most likely was a prostitute (Luke 7:36-50) to the Samaritan woman who had multiple husbands (John 4:5-26), to the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11), Jesus did not ignore women. Jesus engaged these women as who they are: sexual sinners who need forgiveness and truth woven with compassion.

Second, learn and then start teaching others! Pastors and women’s ministry leaders, teach a full-orbed biblical sexuality. God gifted women with their sexuality for his glory. Even though the Fall has marred its beauty, Jesus came to forgive and transform sexual sinners, women as well as men! When you speak or preach, utilize illustrations and testimonies that highlight how the gospel gives hope, courage, and holiness for women who are bound up in sexual sin. Perhaps do a sermon series or Sunday school class on the three passages listed above, explaining how we can follow Christ’s example to protect and extend grace to women.

Take the courageous initiative to weave sexual topics into ongoing discipleship ministries and equip women to come alongside each other. Harvest USA has many resources on our website (many of which are free) that can provide ideas for rich discussion topics, and practical training to help others.

And finally, come join us at one of the Made for More Conferences in the coming ten months, as I’ll address not only Gospel Identity, but what it means to live as women of sexual integrity as we look to Christ and the community of faith for help.

1 this is a pseudonym